Roll Out the Toilet Monsters

Throughout Japanese history, the toilet was thought of as a scary thing. It was usually in the smallest, most distant, darkest part of the house. And there were even folk tales of the evil creatures that lived down in the hole where the poop did go. What dwelled beneath these dark waters? Toilet monsters!

As a tribute to this belief, author Koji Suzuki (he wrote The Ring) has written a scary story called “Drop” that’s printed on toilet paper rolls! The setting of “Drop”? A public restroom, of course! See, there’s this evil spirit that lives in a toilet… seriously!

I wonder, would you go to a bookstore to buy this story? Well, wherever you get it, be sure to read BEFORE you wipe!

Photo from over here.

Take THAT, Super-Villain!

Printing someone's face on toilet paper isn't usually okay!

But we can make an exception for Adolf Hitler. This paper was printed during World War II, and as the roll unrolled, it had a nice variety of slams on Hitler and other Axis bad guys.

Seen over here.

With This Cake, I Commit First-Degree Murder

It’s funny, I never thought that a cake could be gross. Sure, if you eat too many pieces, you can FEEL gross, but that’s different!

But bakers are a strange breed. And they decided that if a couple can have a cutesy-wutesy wedding cake, why not have a divorce cake showing a darker side of human nature?

Ooh, here's another good one.

That's one long, brutal fall!

Divorce cakes from over here.

You Have Urinated on My Jacket

This is pretty cool. The president of Zambia, Rupiah Banda, was giving a news conference yesterday. Then a monkey above the president heard the call of nature. So the monkey peed on him!

After this unexpected gift, the president says, “You have urinated on my jacket.” Then he adds, “Perhaps these are blessings” (referring to the monkey pee drops) and everyone laughed.

Later, the president said, “I will give this monkey for lunch” to his main political rival, a man named Michael Sata. Ah, but maybe Mr. Sata HIRED the monkey to pull that little stunt!

Man. Baby. Manbabies?!

I'm not sure if this is even gross, but it sure is creepy. The idea behind this is horribly simple: Take a photograph of a man and a baby.

Then swap their heads!

The results are freaking me out right now— oh good grief, here's another one...

More manbabies can be viewed at Manbabies.com.

"Where'd I get this dress? The meat drawer!"

Doesn’t the pattern on this dress look a little weird? And don’t you think its fabric seems a bit... stiff? In fact, this dress looks suspiciously meaty!

And it should, since it’s MADE of meat. Jia, the hostess over at JiaJem.com and the maker and model of this dress gives the details:

“I chose salami because it's thin, keeps in one piece, and is quite cheap, and bacon because it looks very, um, meaty… The whole project took about 6 hours, and I kept it refrigerated until the party.”

(As you can see, there are other folks at the social gathering. I have no idea of what their story is!)

Photos from Jia.jem.

Silent Peeing Made Easy!

If you're male, and if you've always worried about peeing too loudly, do I have a deal for you.

This Japanese product store sells a stool that allows silent peeing... and it comes in two styles for your comfort!

At first I thought this was silly, but then I realized that sometimes at night, I do want to pee silently so that I don’t disturb anyone else in the house.

Of course, I could just SIT on the toilet seat (instead of kneeling down in front of the toilet), but hey, I’m not going to argue with the Toilet Angel!

Piercing Screams

Elaine Davidson is the world’s “most pierced” woman. She has over 6,000 pieces of metal piercing her body. And as you can see, they're not just “body piercings.” A thousand or so of them are in her face!

That’s scary.

Here at Ultra-Gross!, we usually frown on people who try too hard to be gross. But Ms. Davidson gets points for honesty. For example, she said, “I don't enjoy getting pierced, but… I wanted to break the record.” I guess some people will do anything to get in the record books!

Photo from the Telegraph.uk.

Classic Grossness I

That's got to hurt! But why is that butter knife so sharp? And how come that lady is so mean?

About 3,000 years ago, meanies from Assyria (now northern Iraq) invaded Israel. And the Assrians were led by a general named Holofernes.

That’s him getting his head cut off.

Judith is the one with the sword. She was a Jewish woman who pretended to be willing to spy on the Israelites. She was allowed into Holofernes’ tent, and Judith took care of business!

Judith then escaped, and the Israelites rejoiced. As for the Assyrians, they ran away. (Hey, that’s what I’d do if someone cut off MY head!)

This painting of the event was done by the Italian artist Caravaggio about 400 years ago. (It hangs in Rome’s Galleria Nazionale d'Arte Antica.)

WARNING: You've Never Seen Anything Like It

I know, I shouldn't post horrible pictures from accidents, even if they're mine!

Good News! Now I know what it's like to fly over my bike's handlebars.
Bad News! I wiped out because I'm a dork.
Worse News! I tore my new shirt AND I got Neosporin on the couch. D'oh!

And here are some ways to describe brutal wipeouts:
bacon strips: The long scabs of road rash someone gets from wiping out on asphalt.
biff: To wipe out.
chunder: Another good word for biffing.
core sample: Bike handlebars have hollow tubing. If someone wipes out and lands on the end of their handlebar, it's like a cookie cutter . . . and there you have a core sample.
corn dog: To wipe out and get all covered in dirt.
crayon mark: The blood and snot left behind on the road after a good chunder.
endo: Wiping out on a bike and flipping end-over-end over the handlebars.
FDGB: An abbreviation for “Fall Down, Go Boom.”
involuntary dismount: A crash.
yard sale: A wipeout so serious that the person is sprawled on the ground with all his equipment spread around him.

If your friend wipes out, here's how you can help him feel better:

• “I am here for you.”
• “What hurts you hurts me.”
• “It’s okay if you cry. I won’t tell.”
• “I’ll tell your mother that you love her.”
• “Turn that frown upside down! Oh wait, you already ARE upside down.”

Flushed Puppy Rescued!

Sure this puppy (named Dyno) looks cute NOW. But that's because he's been cleaned up after being flushed down the toilet.

I'm only sharing this story because it has a happy ending. A four-year old kid named Daniel Blair accidentally flushed the muddy puppy while trying to wash him in the toilet. And the good news is that even though the little guy went down the pipes, the family (with a good plumber) managed to save him.

In fact, they pulled him up a manhole. (Or is that now a puppyhole?)

The full story is here. (Hey, I used to have shoes called "Hush Puppies," but this is a flush puppy. Oh, snap!)

Behold the Mighty Briefcase Toilet!

This portable briefcase-toilet is for businesspeople who are on the go when they need to GO.

All that’s needed is a little privacy. Actually, make that a LOT of privacy! Because I think it would look a little weird to open your briefcase and then pull down your pants and sit on it! (More details here.)

Canned Goods (er, make that "Canned Bads"!)

I hadn't really thought about it before, but pretty much any food can be put in a can. Like a cheeseburger! ("I cant haz cheezburger!")



How about combining my two favorite things: Jelly and eels?





Now that I think about it, I'll settle for a "nutritious bug snack."












But nothing I've seen prepared me for the horror of canned squid!

This Brain Will Kill You

This fungi looks like a brain! That’s why it’s known as the “brain mushroom” (aka, Gyromitra esculenta).

But don’t ever eat any mushroom that looks like this… because the brain mushroom is really poisonous. Just like human brains!

Okay okay, human brains aren’t poisonous. But I still think I should discourage you from eating them!

Picture from Scientific American.

Peeing in the Pool: The Official Tally

Have you ever gotten in a swimming pool and wondered how many people peed in it? Me either! But thanks to the people at the Water Quality and Health Council, now we can figure it out.

Just add up all the people in the pool and then divide by five.

Yep, one of every five swimmers pees in the pool. And since it’s really hard not to get a little pool water in your mouth, do you know what you’re doing? (More details here.)

Is It Art? Or Just a Refugee Toilet?

Her name is Tina Asmus. She keeps “art piece planters” like this one in her front yard.

“I like to find old things that I can recycle,” Tina says. Here, we see her in her front yard with one of her toilet planters. These typically hold daisies, lilies and other flowers.

And look at the nice message she’s put on it!

But Tina lives in Lakemoore, a town near Chicago. And the Lakemoore town mayor and police have told her she has one month to move those planters out of the front yard… or else she’s in BIG trouble!

Actually, she just has to pay a fine. But still. (More details here.)

Update! Her fine was $25.

See If You Can Guess What Pooped This!

Nope, not an elephant. I guess the person holding a rifle does make it seem like this is in Africa, though. Nope, it's my neighbor's poodle. I know, it seems impossible! (Okay, I lied. This is rhino poop. Impressive, huh?)

Cutting Off Your Best Friend's Head Isn't Easy

You've probably seen a picture like this. It’s from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet,” when the title character has a scene with the skull of a man named Yorick.

Okay, now stick with me: Del Close (picture below) was a Chicago comedian. Shortly before his death in 1999, Close made his friend Charna Halpern promise to donate his skull to a local theater. That way, Close could play the part of Yorick even though he was dead. (Some people will do anything to get on-stage!)

Halpern agreed. But when she asked the people at the hospital to cut Close’s head off after he died, they just laughed. No matter who she asked, Halpern couldn’t find anyone to cut Close’s head off! (Eventually, Close was cremated, with his head still attached.)

Halpern decided to get a “stand-in skull” from an anatomy shop. She found one that looked right, and then took it home to pull the skull’s teeth out.

Why? Because Close had worn dentures! This was a tough job. As Halpern said, “pulling teeth is like pulling teeth.” (Everyone’s a comedian!)

Anyway, then Halpern donated “Del Close’s skull” to a Chicago theater. It was the most famous skull in the city! Years passed, and then a reporter at the Chicago Tribune investigated the story. So Halpern confessed to what she had done. (Hey, I don’t blame her; she tried to do the right thing. But take it from me, cutting off your best friend’s head isn't easy.)

What about the stand-in skull today? The artistic director at the theater where it’s kept says, “The skull has no bookings at the moment.” (More details here.)

In Space, Nobody Can Hear How Bald You Are

What does the future hold for our species? Will we be more mature about “disgusting” things someday? Maybe!

Will we be less disgusting ourselves? Probably not! In fact, any futuristic humans who end up living in outer space will be bald, fat, and ugly. Rats!

But don’t take my word for it. Astrobiologist Dr. Lewis Dartnell said so! That’s because the bones and muscles of any people who live in zero-gravity (or low gravity) won’t develop properly. That will leave our species stunted and weak!

Plus, how can anyone burn calories without gravity? We’ll be chubsters!

In this news report, the doctor continues: “Without gravity, fluid [will] pool in the skull, which would cause the head to look permanently swollen out of proportion… Also, with no need for hair to insulate the head or eyelashes to flick dust from their eyes, future humans may become completely hairless.”

Well, just as long as we don't look like these people, I guess I can live with that!

Monster Car: A Vehicle with an Open Mind!

It's a kid car. Here, we can see that the driver is sitting in the creature's brain. I'd imagine the seat is squishy.

There are many bad jokes one can think of looking at this. As a guy named Scott said, if she gets in a fender-bender with this, she'll scratch her head! (The car-maker is named Elmer Preslee.)

Strengthened Awareness of Bladder Behavior

Diaper alarms work!

But before I get to that, did you know that in the 1940s, kids were usually toilet trained when they were 18 months old? Today, that average is 21–36 months! Dang. If the test of a civilization’s progress is toilet training, we’re blowing it.

Anyway, in case your issue of Neurology and Urodynamics hasn’t come in yet, it has the results of tests on a diaper with a musical poop/pee alarm. To sum it up: They work at getting kids toilet-trained. This is good news for the day-care providers in the U.S., who are in charge of 60% of all kids under five.

With those kinds of numbers, most kids get toilet training at day-care. And a diaper alarm helps day-care providers keep track of poopy bottoms.

A man named Jean-Jacques Wyndaele who co-authored the diaper study said, “The [diaper] alarm itself distracts the child out of his activity and strengthens the awareness of bladder behavior.” Yes! (More info here.)

Undead Poets Society: Zombie Haiku

A website called BoingBoing held a poetry contest for the best haiku with a zombie theme. Here are some of the entries!

Within the coffin
the cry came from a dead man
reanimated

Groaning getting loud
Barricades won't hold for long
Nice knowing you all

Brains are like candy,
sweet grey matter slips through lips,
My arm just fell off.

crunching through his brain
I realized I no longer cared
whether he loved me.

And the winner!

You lopped off my arms!
Thanks, now I can squeeze through your
Windows at night. Yum!

Can't a Penguin Get a Little Privacy?

You’ve got to love a headline that reads “Penguin poo visible from space.” Don’t you?

This article explains how satellites watching Antarctica are able to photograph “giant red-brown stains” on the ice.

This is a clue that there are penguins down there! It also means that scientists can track the penguins’ locations by their poo. (So much for privacy!)

Researcher Peter Fretwell said, “Emperor penguins are quite big birds and it gets quite messy and very smelly. Sometimes I think remote sensing is the best way to monitor them as you really don't want to get too close.”

Don't Get a Snag

I know it looks alarming, but don't be worried! These are nylon stockings that are made by a French company named UpFactory.

As you can see, the nylons are printed with veins and arteries. Clever! That will make them stand out in a crowd. And this makes them an excellent accessory for women who either want to look like they have varicose veins or are... insane?