So THAT'S what my toilet paper says about me.

From the good people at DOGHOUSEDIARIES.

That tattoo STINKS.

I question whether it IS a tattoo of poop; it sort of looks like the work of Sharpies. Yeah, I'm sure it's fake. (Via.)

NFL players pee on the sidelines during games?

I did not know that!

Nick Novak, the kicker for the San Diego Chargers, claims he does it two-to-three times a game. And Novak says that lots of other players do it, too!

I especially like that graphic in the front left of the screen, showing Nick Novak's "target"!

"Holding it" at sea: My back teeth are floating!

The George H.W. Bush is an aircraft carrier. A BIG aircraft carrier. That is, it’s got hundreds of crewmembers on board, and they all poop and pee.

I mention that obvious bit of info because the George H.W. Bush doesn’t have hardly any working toilets. (These are called “heads” on a ship.)

Sailors have had to pee in “showers, sinks and bottles.” And Officer Richard Frakes says he’s had to search for nearly an hour to find a flushing toilet. “It definitely affects my morale. When I was unable to relieve myself for two days, I was irate to say the least.”

I’ll bet! (Story from the Virginian Pilot.)

Gross Santa!

In 1955, a man named Bradley McGinty came up with an idea for kooky holiday cards. The idea didn't work out; if you'd like to read the story behind them, go here. (Via.)

Toilet Paper Crime?

Three criminals in Florida are in BIG trouble because they conned people into buying toilet paper. Apparently some of their victims bought 70 years worth of poo tickets.

The idea behind the scam is that the government had changed regulations on t.p. and people needed to buy SPECIAL rolls of it to avoid messing up their septic tanks. (This was all false, naturally.)

So how much money did these bad people make selling imaginary toilet paper? About $1,000,000! (Story here.)

There's no such thing as "a good egg"?

Via.

"Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I’ve never tasted it."

Alfred Hitchcock, on eggs.

These barf bags sure are purty!

Artist Lydia Leith has designed an Art Nouveau (or "Noeveauurrgh") barf bag, as well as the Victorian ("Sictorian") bag below.

Nice!

Video Game Urinals

So a bar in England has urinals that activate video games above them when you pee. If you follow this link, you'll hear the thing that surprised me most about the story: In the U.K., urinals are pronounced "yur-EYE-nalz"!

Ever heard of "Inside-Out Spaghetti and Meatballs"?

Now you have. (Via.)

It IS possible to go to the bathroom in a moving car.

At least for guys. Or at least, for this guy. (I don't think I've ever shown a comedy sketch on this site before, but this is pretty funny.)

Thanksgiving = Bowel Evacuation Day

American readers  who have eaten an entire cherpumple may find these rather odd instructions handy today.

1. Feet flat on floor.
2. Rest forearms on thighs.
3. Keep mouth closed.
4. Tighten stomach muscles and hold for 5 seconds.
5. Relax stomach muscles for 5 seconds.
6. Repeat steps 4 and 5 until faeces [poop!] comes out.
7. If nothing comes out after 10 minutes, leave toilet.
8. Return as soon as the urge strikes and repeat from step one.

Behold the Cherpumple!

A "cherpumple" is three pies (cherry, apple, pumpkin) each cooked inside a separate cake, and then all cooked together in another cake.

It's horrible! What kind of mindless glutton would eat something like that?

Oh.

Photos via here and here.

I want to be an entomophagist when I grow up!

Photo by Matthew Krisiloff

Do you like honey? How about bacon? If you answered yes to those questions, then you would LOVE eating some male bee larvae. It’s apparently delicious, according to a guy named Matthew Krisiloff, president of Entom Foods.

Of course, he has a reason for saying that. “Entomology” is the study of insects, and Entom Foods will sell insects that you can eat. (Eating bugs is called entomophagy, BTW.)

The key to the company's success will be removing the crunchy bits from crickets and grasshoppers like this big green critter and just feeding you the good parts, sort of like how we eat lobster or crab.

Why eat bugs? Well, it’s much better for the environment if you farm bugs, not cows. And grasshopper meat has as much protein and way more calcium as beef.

Of course, just because it’s logical doesn’t mean people will actually DO it. As for me, I’d be happy to try some male bee larvae!

The time will come when you enter a disgusting public restroom.

When it does, contact the group that is there for you: The American Restroom Association.

It was at this site that I learned about the book Void Where Prohibited: Rest Breaks and the Right to Urinate on Company Time. This is funny, because "void" has two meanings. It can be defined as "not allowed" or "discharging pee or poop from your bladder or bowels."

I also liked this passionate blurb about the book from Bernard Lown, M.D.:

"I read this informative book with disbelief and mounting rage. Being denied the biologic right to urinate not only injures the kidneys but is probably a potent risk factor for heart problems. [Wait, holding your pee causes heart attacks?!] It has been amply demonstrated that work pressure, no-exit situations, and psychologic stressors predispose to progressions of coronary vascular disease. I can think of few stresses more intolerable than the pressures of a full bladder. [I know, right?] Not even criminals in solitary confinement confront such torment. This is a vitally important book. It merits the widest dissemination. Without public pressure, such demeaning of human beings will not be halted."

Lisa Hanawalt is funny.

Heheh, "bottom turkey". (From here.)

Eye, Eye, Sir!

A guy named Robert D. Bruce took a picture of his eye. From REALLY close. Ick!

"The Fartiste" gets a standing ovation!

I wrote about famed fart musician Joseph Pujol in The Big Book of Gross Stuff. And thanks to my efforts, there’s now a new musical out called The Fartiste.

In the 1800s, Joseph Pujol performed in France on the Moulin Rouge, where his farting sound effects brought the house down. Farts were funny then, and farts are funny now, but WHY?

Steven Scott is the designated farter on the new show (he makes the sounds into a microphone with his mouth), and he says, “You could be at a funeral, and if somebody farts, people will laugh. There's just something funny about it.”

But Michael Roberts, the writer for the show’s music and lyrics has higher ambitions. “[Joseph Pujol] is a guy who farts, but so what? That's not a reason to write a story.”

Huh? What kind of crazy talk is that? Clearly Michael doesn’t understand ANYTHING!

And the Slime Mold "Style Award" goes to...

By Nick Cantle

The Stemonitis fusca is a slime mold that's somewhere between gross and amazing. It keeps its its jelly-like body (that's where the spores are!) elevated on stilts. Oh, and it can move. (Yikes!)  

That's not how you do it.

When it comes to peeing in public, I insist on the best.

And that's why I only urinate at the Rothesay public restroom at the Isle of Bute in the U.K.

Sure, it's out of my way, but look at this place. It's gorgeous!

From here.

Toilet Fountain Waterfall

You're welcome.

Disgust was born in France!

From here.

Over at the BBC News Magazine, Megan Lane has an interesting article about the word “disgust.” It’s a relatively new word, one that William Shakespeare never used.

“Disgust” came into the English language in 1601. Its root is the Old French word "desgouster". But it took “disgust” another 200 years to get popular with disgusted speakers.

A language expert named Gerry Breslin says that when disgust is said properly, it gives off a fine sound of outrage:

“The s sounds and the harsh g and final t help to make it a very sonorous and impactful word.”

Example: “The Big Book of Gross Stuff curses the reader with a strong sense of diSS-GusT!”

I have five words for you:

Japanese calorie-burning 

underwear technology!

(Admittedly, this strangely long ad isn't gross, but it IS very strange.)

Okay, okay, I'll stop "borrowing" your toilet paper.

Sheesh!

This always cracks me up.

From Wikipedia's entry for Franken Berry.

Are you a "Silent Sufferer"?

This laxative ad is from the September, 1941 issue of LIFE magazine. I love the copy on item 2:

"Saraka [the laxative] forms a soft and jelly-like 'softage,' kind to tender tissues." 

I guess this is a good product for those who need "Softage"!

Jonathan Lethem on the glamorous life of a writer.

Ever since his excellent novel Motherless Brooklyn, I've read pretty much everything Jonathan Lethem has written. He has a new book out called The Ecstasy of Influence, and in it, Lethem shares the difficulties of going on book tours.

He points out that the crazy schedules often leave no time for grumpy busting. As he puts it, when you hear writers on the radio, "they are holding in a bowel movement."

Good to know!

Vocabulary! (Just admit it: You’re totally bdolotic.)

By Mike Brown

As everyone knows, bdolotic means “to pass a lot of gas.” This is what happens when you eat carminative foods (the ones that make you fart). 

Hey, did you know that the word “fart” comes from the Middle English word farten or ferten ... and THAT comes from the Old English word feortan?

Anyway, if you’re lucky, your flatulence will come out as SBDs that you can blame on someone else. Silent But Deadly farts are also known as feists. This apparently comes from the old Middle English fisten, which unsurprisingly means to break wind. (And if you DO break wind, please be sure to pick up the pieces.)

My, what big gums you have.

From here.

The gelada is a furry, baboon-like primate that lives in the mountains of Ethiopia. It's actually pretty mellow. I mean, it eats grass!

But when it gets mad or scared, the gelada pulls back its lips and shows off its fangs ... and its gums!

Via.

Why do you need underwear for your head?

Oh, just trust me!

Joke Time

Q: What do you call it when men in a public restroom talk to each other from stall to stall? 

A: An open-ended discussion.

(Via Gene Weingarten.)

I've seen big toilets before.

But I have NOT seen a toilet so big, it has its own diving board! Wait, it's a trick— this is just a model by Frank Kunert. But it's still mighty impressive! (Via.)

The Goblin Shark would like to say "Hi!"

Don't be afraid just because the goblin shark has a mouth INSIDE of its mouth (like Alien!). Just have a look at the slo-mo footage at 0:30 of this video and—

Be afraid! Be VERY afraid!

Birthdays are like boogers.

 The more you have, the harder it is to breathe. (Via.)

"Oscar, the Handstand Peeing Dog"

"Two wax moth larvae tacos, please."

Don Bugito makes “tasty edible insect foods” with a Hispanic flavor. The food cart is usually set up in San Francisco, so I haven’t had the chance to try it . . . but I have to admit, this actually looks pretty good! 

Here's a couple more shots from its Facebook page.

And the award for "Holding It" goes to . . .

From here.

The okapi!

As you can see, the okapi sort of looks like a cross between an antelope and a zebra. In fact, they're relatives of the giraffe ... and they are VERY shy.

Okapis are good at avoiding other animals, especially predators. What's the secret to their success? Well, when a baby okapi is born, it doesn't poop. (If it did, a predator could smell the poop and track the poor widdle thing.)

Nope, baby okapis hold it. For a week. Then another week. And another one. And . . . ANOTHER one! In fact, baby okapis don't poop for a MONTH after they're born!

As far as I can see, that makes the okapi the opposite of a human baby.

Behold the glory of the ANTLION.

Oh dear. (Via.)

Deep Questions

When I got tired of making the bed, I used to ask, "Why do I have to make it when I'm just going to sleep in it again?"

Then my wife pointed out, "Yeah! And why wipe your bum when you're just going to have to poop again?"

Now I just make the bed.

Octopus Lady, your "fashion" is freaking me out.

From here.

A guy named Roland Trettl put on a fashion show with food in Berlin. It was intended to “dissect flamboyant fashion statements, as well as notions of consumerism and sustainability in a rich society.”

Right.

Besides the octopus-wearing lady, other lowlights included a trouser suit sewn from lean bacon, and a pair of pants made from lettuce-leaf. Worst of all was a mass of "calf net" (the fatty membrane from a calf's stomach) that was made into an “elegant” headscarf. Blech!

But at least the octopus didn’t go to waste. After the model wore it, she took it off and the crew ate it.

ANOTHER great headline!

Wow, there's been some great stories in the news lately. In this one, a Nigerian actor named Babatunde Omidina (aka, Baba Suwe) was arrested on suspicion of smuggling drugs by swallowing them and then getting on a plane.

So authorities held onto Babatunde until he pooped. Then they inspected his bowel movement. Nothing! So they waited for the next poop. Nothing! Over 24 days, they inspected 25 of Babatunde's poops. Nothing!

So they let him go. In addition to the pure gold of the "Nigerian actor freed after 25 bowel movements" headline, the article states:

But after 24 days in detention during which his bowel movements were earnestly followed by authorities and the media, an apologetic High Court judge in Lagos ordered his release. 

Judge Yetunde Idowu told Babatunde: "I wish you well. Take care of yourself. You are free to go home."

Gee, thanks!

Headline of the Year

I think "Toilet Paper Sparks Axe Attack" might be my nominee for the best headline of 2011.

"Honey, did you reboot the toilet?"

I’ve already caught news of the Numi, the new $6,400 toilet. But I didn’t know it could do so much!

I was just reading this article, which states that the Numi has no levers or buttons at all. Instead, everything works with a remote control. Not only does this allow you to flush, heat, dry, and play music (what do I want to listen to when I bust a grumpy?), but you can also personalize your profile. And the Numi will remember you for next time!

When the bathroom is dark, the toilet lights itself up so you can find it. And there are more lights in the bowl in case you’re a man who’s peeing. This way, you know where to aim, a problem we had in our house just yesterday. (“The toilet’s leaking!” “Er, no it’s actually not.”)

When you approach the Numi, it senses you and raises its lid (but not the heated seat). Is it chilly? You’ll feel warm air being blown onto your feet from the bottom of the toilet. Now here’s a great feature:

“If you are a man standing in front of the toilet, you will notice a blue beam of light projected on the right-side floor, adjacent to the toilet. Place your foot in the path of that beam and the toilet seat will rise; break the beam again and the toilet will flush and the seat will lower itself.”

There is also a bidet in the toilet . . . but I don’t have the patience to explain all of THAT. Anyway, if you use it, you’ll be spraying and drying your butt region. When you’re done, it will flush automatically and then lower the seat and lid.

What about the music? Well, according to the article’s writer, “The audio quality was quite good, considering that you are listening to a toilet.” But he adds that with all that technology, the time will come when you have to reboot the toilet!

NewsFlash: Tennis pro strains his right butt cheek while sleeping!

From here.

If you're not already sitting down, you may want to. Because tennis player Andy Murray has suffered a tragic butt cheek accident. And it happened while he was asleep, which led to this headline:

Andy Murray Strained His Butt While Sleeping

This could also lead one to say immature things like "he has a pain in his butt", but I'll resist the temptation.

And if you're keeping score, Andy Murray also hurt his hand last year while playing his PlayStation.