William Shakespeare: The Bard of Barf!

Sometime around 1590, William Shakespeare sat down and wrote a bloodbath of a play called Titus Andronicus. Here at Ultra-Gross, we don’t usually explore grisly topics. But since it’s Shakespeare, we’ll make an exception!

I don’t want to give away the plot, but the play has 14 murders, one live burial, and one pie made from two people and then eaten. 

Worst of all, the cannibal is a woman named Tamora who unwittingly eaten her own sons. This human-pie was made as revenge for a DIFFERENT atrocity, but anyway, now you can understand this new title for Titus Andronicus that Casey Fox came up with!

Dr. Jekyll in a bottle!

Artist Jason Edmiston made a new cover for an Robert Louis Stevenson's classic story, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And it's sort of gross!

The Fart Jokes of William Shakespeare

"In sooth!"

William Shakespeare was one of the greatest writers of all time.

And he liked fart jokes!

The website Shakesyear has taken a look at a number of these. For instance, in Shakespeare’s play King Lear, the king gives a speech as his daughter is thrown out into a storm: 

“Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow!”

Of course, you could argue that the idea is that the wind is blowing like in the illustration. But still! 

One of Shakespeare’s most famous fart references is from The Comedy of Errors, when a character named Dromio says:

A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind

Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

In other words, it's better to have someone break their word to you than fart.

(To read more, click "Read more"!)

St. Bartholomew: The Grossest Saint of All?

Of all the Bartholomews in the world, the most famous was one of the twelve Apostles who followed Jesus about 2,000 years ago. The legend is that that Bartholomew traveled all the way to India to spread Christianity. Some of the people there didn't appreciate it, though, so they skinned (or "flayed") Bartholomew.

With knives.

That's not very nice!

So Bartholomew became a martyr, or someone who dies for his beliefs. And then he became a saint. Since most saints get to be in charge of something, Saint Bartholomew became the saint of bookbinders (cool!), butchers (uh...), and leatherworkers (hey!). And one of Bartholomew's symbols is a hand holding a knife.

Yeesh!

Grossest of all, there is a statue of Saint Bartholomew in the Italian city of Milan. Made by Marco D'Agrate in 1562, the statue doesn't look bad from certain angles... but if you REALLY look at it, you'll see that Saint Bartholomew is skinned! Furthermore, Bart's draping his own skin like a garment or folded cape over his shoulder. See what I mean?

Now THAT'S a gross statue. Thanks, Marco D'Agrate!

Galileo Gave Us the Finger (er, "Fingers"!)

Famous scientist Galileo Galilei invented the telescope. Yay! Looking through it, Galileo decided that the earth probably WASN’T the center of the universe, which made a lot of people very angry. The authorities threw him in jail for that one. (Boo!)

After Galileo died in 1642, his body was put in a temporary spot before it was moved to Florence, Italy. His new resting spot would be just opposite Michelangelo's tomb. (Not bad!)

But during the move, some of Galileo's fans decided to get souvenirs. And so they cut off three of the scientist's fingers! It turns out that cutting body parts off of famous people (especially fingers and tongues) was an okay way to get a keepsake. Anyway, ONE of Galileo's fingers was recovered and has been in the Museum of the History of Science in Florence since 1927. (That’s the picture there.)

The other two fingers went into a glass jar. They were secretly kept by an Italian marquis, and passed on 300 years in the same family. But now Galileo’s fingers have reappeared! Not only that, but the Museum of the History of Science gets them, so the three fingers that created the world's first telescope will be reunited. *sniff* I’m so happy right now!

Finger photo from the Telegraph.

Classic Grossness III

“A man may break a word with you, sir; and words are but wind; ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.”
William Shakespeare, The Comedy of Errors

Classic Grossness II

This old school French ad for pork sausage is wrong on many levels:
1.) How is the pig able to hold that huge, razor-sharp knife?
2.) The pig has cut itself in half, yet gravity has no effect on it.
3.) The pig has cut itself in half, yet seems to be enjoying it.
4.) Why doesn't this pig have any bones, blood, or guts?
5.) Why am I throwing all of our sausage in the dog's food bowl?

Classic Grossness I

That's got to hurt! But why is that butter knife so sharp? And how come that lady is so mean?

About 3,000 years ago, meanies from Assyria (now northern Iraq) invaded Israel. And the Assrians were led by a general named Holofernes.

That’s him getting his head cut off.

Judith is the one with the sword. She was a Jewish woman who pretended to be willing to spy on the Israelites. She was allowed into Holofernes’ tent, and Judith took care of business!

Judith then escaped, and the Israelites rejoiced. As for the Assyrians, they ran away. (Hey, that’s what I’d do if someone cut off MY head!)

This painting of the event was done by the Italian artist Caravaggio about 400 years ago. (It hangs in Rome’s Galleria Nazionale d'Arte Antica.)

Cutting Off Your Best Friend's Head Isn't Easy

You've probably seen a picture like this. It’s from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet,” when the title character has a scene with the skull of a man named Yorick.

Okay, now stick with me: Del Close (picture below) was a Chicago comedian. Shortly before his death in 1999, Close made his friend Charna Halpern promise to donate his skull to a local theater. That way, Close could play the part of Yorick even though he was dead. (Some people will do anything to get on-stage!)

Halpern agreed. But when she asked the people at the hospital to cut Close’s head off after he died, they just laughed. No matter who she asked, Halpern couldn’t find anyone to cut Close’s head off! (Eventually, Close was cremated, with his head still attached.)

Halpern decided to get a “stand-in skull” from an anatomy shop. She found one that looked right, and then took it home to pull the skull’s teeth out.

Why? Because Close had worn dentures! This was a tough job. As Halpern said, “pulling teeth is like pulling teeth.” (Everyone’s a comedian!)

Anyway, then Halpern donated “Del Close’s skull” to a Chicago theater. It was the most famous skull in the city! Years passed, and then a reporter at the Chicago Tribune investigated the story. So Halpern confessed to what she had done. (Hey, I don’t blame her; she tried to do the right thing. But take it from me, cutting off your best friend’s head isn't easy.)

What about the stand-in skull today? The artistic director at the theater where it’s kept says, “The skull has no bookings at the moment.” (More details here.)

Quote of the Day

“The greatest monarch on the proudest throne, is obliged to sit upon his own ass.”

—Benjamin Franklin, 1737