Remember, the accused is innocent until proven guilty—

Oh, he TOTALLY did it! (The wedgie news story is here.)

If You See Someone Peeing, Blow a Whistle!

I love this story about BBC story about the problem of public poopers in India:

Volunteers armed with drums and whistles are being used under a new scheme to shame people going to the toilet in public . . . Four to five people will "shout, beat drums or blow a whistle" if they see anyone urinating or defecating in the open, an official told the BBC . . .
 Nearly half of India's 1.2 billion people have no toilet at home and they defecate in the open. Correspondents say spitting, urinating and defecating in public are a common sight across India, and in rural areas many people continue to go out in the open even when they have toilets at home because they prefer the outdoors.

Now look at that last sentence again: "many people continue to go out in the open even when they have toilets at home because they prefer the outdoors"! (Photo via Sustainable Sanitation.)

When you break wind, you're also breaking the law

Julián Atienza is the mayor of the Spanish town of La Toba, Guadalajara. And he’s banned passing gas. No farting? It’s inhuman! As this article points out:

The ‘Señor Alcade’ lets it be known – No spitting or breaking wind in public.

Atienza wants to do away with all uncivilized forms of behavior. I mean, he even passed a rule saying "Cover your mouth with your hand if you sneeze or cough, and turn away from anybody close by."

So what if someone breaks the law by breaking wind. Will they go to jail? No, “but doing so would be blameworthy in a civic and moral way.”

Well, THAT’S a relief!

Carrie stinks.

This is from a 1979 book titled Be a Well-Mannered Child. What's weird about it is that this girl's actually trying to scratch OUT her own name. Her problem isn't that she's a vandal; it's that she doesn't like herself!

Bombing: Uncool or Illegal?

In The Big Book of Gross Stuff, I share how in my family, “bombing” meant someone was expelling gas from their body. According to this story from Mississippit, it's not just my family.

Was it bathroom slang or a bomb threat?Bond has been set for a Jones County Junior College student who was arrested for a hand written note claiming there was a bomb on campus. 

H.W. Hadley Jr., 19, was arrested after the note was found in a campus bathroom. In all, 11 agencies responded to the threat, but no bomb was found. Officials said Hadley was arrested after they matched his handwriting to the note, which was written on toilet paper. 

His family says the word "bomb" is often used by Hadley in reference to a bodily function and not an explosive device. 

"He was in the restroom doodling on some toilet paper and I am going to just let modesty go and tell you we are from the country, and so he calls passing gas, bombs," said Hadley's aunt. "So, he was doodling on the toilet paper and put I passed a bomb in the library, talking about passing gas and somebody come in and found it, give it to the teacher that recognized his hand writing and it blow all out of proportion."

What I don't like is how Hadley was doodling in the bathroom on toilet paper. That's just odd. But I love how his aunt said that authorities are "blowing this all out of proportion"!

T.P. overkill!

Okay, okay, I won't steal your gigantic roll of poop tickets. 


Sheesh!

Burping is a Criminal Offense!

Sometimes a news story comes along that is so perfect, it needs to be read in its original form. This is one of those stories.

By acheron0

(CBS/AP)  ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - A 13-year-old was handcuffed and hauled off to a juvenile detention for burping in class, according to a civil rights lawsuit filed against an Albuquerque public school principal, a teacher and a city police officer . . . 

 The Albuquerque Journal reports the unnamed seventh grader was arrested last May 11 at Cleveland Middle School after he "burped audibly" in his P.E. class. "Criminalizing of the burping of a thirteen-year-old boy serves no governmental purpose," the lawsuit said. "Burping is not a serious disruption, a threat of danger was never an issue." 

The lawsuit alleges the boy was transported to the juvenile center without his parents being notified. It also says he was denied his due process rights because he was suspended for the rest of that school year without "providing him an explanation of the evidence the school claimed to have against him." He was not allowed to call witnesses or defend himself against the burping allegation. The boy was never charged. He scored a -2 on a scale of 1 to 10 according to a risk assessment given by the jail staff, 10 being extremely dangerous . . . 

 A spokeswoman for Albuquerque Public Schools said she had not seen the lawsuit and could not comment.

Toilet Paper Crime?

Three criminals in Florida are in BIG trouble because they conned people into buying toilet paper. Apparently some of their victims bought 70 years worth of poo tickets.

The idea behind the scam is that the government had changed regulations on t.p. and people needed to buy SPECIAL rolls of it to avoid messing up their septic tanks. (This was all false, naturally.)

So how much money did these bad people make selling imaginary toilet paper? About $1,000,000! (Story here.)

Okay, okay, I'll stop "borrowing" your toilet paper.

Sheesh!

ANOTHER great headline!

Wow, there's been some great stories in the news lately. In this one, a Nigerian actor named Babatunde Omidina (aka, Baba Suwe) was arrested on suspicion of smuggling drugs by swallowing them and then getting on a plane.

So authorities held onto Babatunde until he pooped. Then they inspected his bowel movement. Nothing! So they waited for the next poop. Nothing! Over 24 days, they inspected 25 of Babatunde's poops. Nothing!

So they let him go. In addition to the pure gold of the "Nigerian actor freed after 25 bowel movements" headline, the article states:

But after 24 days in detention during which his bowel movements were earnestly followed by authorities and the media, an apologetic High Court judge in Lagos ordered his release. 

Judge Yetunde Idowu told Babatunde: "I wish you well. Take care of yourself. You are free to go home."

Gee, thanks!

Headline of the Year

I think "Toilet Paper Sparks Axe Attack" might be my nominee for the best headline of 2011.

Public Enemy #2

The accused criminal. (From here.)

Over near Washington, D.C., a court case is underway that will test the roots of our very democracy.

Well, maybe it’s not THAT big of a deal, but still.

Months ago, Kimberly Zakrzewski was walking a friend’s dog named Baxter. The little dog allegedly pooped near some apartments and then Zakrzewski didn’t pick it up! A witness named Virginia Cornell called the police. And she took pictures of Baxter’s alleged poop.

Ah, but WAS it Baxter’s grumpy? Zakrzewski  denied the charges, and said the dog poop in question couldn’t be Baxter’s — it was “the wrong size and consistency.”

Wow.

Of course, a good CSI team could settle all this. Seriously! A company named PooPrints collects DNA samples from pooch poop. Using technology, they can ID a dog from its own voodoo butter!

Anyway, the trial of Baxter’s dog poop is underway RIGHT NOW. And a Washington Post reporter named Justin Jouvenal is live-tweeting the trial. (Photo from the Washington Post.)

High-five!

Hand by Starke

Let’s say that your family has some heirlooms. You know, antique furniture, old jewelry, mummified hands, that sort of thing. What do you do with a mummified hand that’s been in your family for years?

In this case, the hand was given to a museum, and its staff informed the police. Maybe the hand had been chopped off illegally! Now note the bad puns from both the reporter and the police in this Reuters story.

SALMON, Idaho, Sep. 27, 2011 — Police in Idaho Falls said they have closed an investigation into the origins of a mummified hand after learning it dates back 700 to 1,000 years. 

The dismembered limb was handed over to the Museum of Idaho in Idaho Falls more than a year ago by a patron who told officials it had been in the family for years. Unable to link the limb to criminal activity, Idaho Falls officers submitted it to antiquities experts, police spokeswoman Joelyn Hansen said. 

A finding by a physical anthropologist showed the hand spanned between the 11th and 14th centuries, Hansen said. 

"It's out of the reach of our jurisdiction," she said. 

The limb will likely be offered to the Indian tribes of Utah now that police have a grip on its origins. 

"We're leaving it in someone else's hands," Hansen said.

Caught red-handed!

Or "wet-pawed." Whatever.

Via.

Wait— WHAT happened?!

Priests pray for criminal (to get diarrhea!)

Sometimes I'm lucky enough to see a story that is SO perfect, it needs no further explanation. THIS is that story!

In a rather un-Godly call for vengeance, the priests at a church in Florence (Italy) are praying that a dose of "the runs" will convince the unidentified pilferer of the error of his ways.

"We pray that the Good Lord will visit a strong bout of the trots on this thief and that this will help to convince him not to commit any more thefts," reads a sign put up by clergy at the Basilica of San Salvatore al Monte, a hilltop church which commands views of the Renaissance city.

The notice said that in addition to praying for a sudden loosening of the bowels, the priests were also hoping that the thief will repent of his crime and return the stolen holy books.

Two prized Bibles – one of them donated by a wealthy benefactor – have been stolen in recent days from the church, which is located near Piazzale Michelangelo, an esplanade with an impressive panorama of Florence and the River Arno.

They have been replaced by two new Bibles – one in Italian and the other in English.

"The language used by the brother who wrote the notice may not have been very clean, but the Lord, and the faithful, will understand," an unnamed priest told La Stampa newspaper.

Just in case the Holy Father fails to grant them their prayer, the priests have also taken the precaution of reporting the thefts to the police.

From the Telegraph.

Grime doesn't pay!

My parents live in Longview, Washington. It’s not my favorite place, although it does have some interestingly gross news stories. Hey, here’s one now!

By peasap.

A man doused himself with a bucket of liquid human waste and hid in a portable toilet after plowing his Jeep into a carport at a Longview riverfront condominium, police said . . .

After fleeing the scene, Gordon Flavia  splashed himself with the contents of a bucket outside a portable toilet “because he thought the dogs were coming, and he was trying to throw off the scent,” a police officer said.

So this man decided to cover himself in poop to confound the police dogs. There's just ONE problem: There were no police dogs!

When the police found Flavia, an officer said, "We didn't know what it was . . . but it smelled bad."

(Thanks to Rabid Leroy for the post title!)

Historical Quote of the Day!

In 2008, a 911 call summoned the police in North Platte, Nebraska. The crime: A boy had given another boy a wedgie.

The authorities took it seriously. The police spokesperson quote:

“You might get away with that in Lincoln or Omaha. But we’re not going to allow wedgies in North Platte.”

Who peed in the reservoir?

Here in Portland, some of our drinking water is stored in big outdoor reservoirs, like this one at Mt. Tabor. This worked out fine until the other day, when some bonehead was spotted urinating INTO the reservoir.


Why would he do something that stupid? According to this Oregonian article, "I thought this was a sewage treatment plant."


Yes, despite the crystal blue water, lack of any stink, and pretty outdoor setting, this somehow SEEMED like a good idea. Which still wouldn't have been SO bad, except the city of Portland then drained the whole reservoir and "threw it away."


Yep, 7.8 million gallons gone because of six-to-eight ounces of pee. (Which is totally germ-free, BTW.) 


Will the urinating criminal be charged with a crime? A police spokesperson said, "He's not out of the water yet."


Ziiiiinnngggerrrr!

If You Outlaw Farting, Will Only Outlaws Fart?

Malawi is a country in southeast Africa. And a new bill is being proposed in Malawi to outlaw farting in public. So if they pass the law, you can’t pass gas!

This is going to be tricky. As we all know, pinning blame on a guilty farter is difficult. And if farting becomes a crime, won’t the criminal just try to blame someone else for his gas? 

I get blamed for someone else’s methane all the time, and it’s not even a crime in the U.S.! (Hey, maybe they could use police dogs to smell out the criminal.)

By Scott Wilcoxson

A Malawian woman said, “Children will openly deny having passed bad air and point at an elder. Culturally, this is very embarrassing.” Hmm, maybe Malawi is more like the U.S. than I realized!

Anyway, the idea is that passing this law would promote public decency. And one lawyer said it would the same as enforcing the laws that ban peeing in public.

Wait— you’re not supposed to pee in public? Man, nobody told me! (And I’m keeping away from Malawi. I could get a life sentence there!)

Stories from the Daily Mail and the BBC. If you want to read the exact proposed law, click “Read more”: