A Most Poetic, Funny, and Embarrassing Description of . . . Passing Gas

A gentleman known only as Grrrmachine recently shared this childhood story. He was playing defense in a soccer match at school when the ball came his way. And as he tried to stop a shot on goal, he passed gas in a legendary fashion:

. . . the fart erupted like Concorde breaking the sound barrier. It blasted across the playing field like a shockwave, silencing everything it swept across. One by one, the other boys in other matches faltered in their running or stopped altogether, turning their heads towards the sounds of the colonic explosion. 

Referees halted, teachers froze, and still the fart rolled on across the flat November field. Then it hit the tall brick wall surrounding the school environs and rolled back in a sulphuric, farting echo, a mocking doppelganger of the original fart repeated over and over until it was swept away in the autumn wind.
 I stood still, letting the last waves of flatuence wash over myself and my classmates. No-one moved for what felt like eternity. Then the teacher slowly, robotically, lifted his whistle to his lips and blew a single solitary peep. The ball had rolled into my goal, and we'd lost the game.

Peeing in Paris in the 1800s

No, that's not the title of a new musical film. It describes these outdoor stalls that French men could pee in back in 1875!

It would be sort of weird to use those, though.

"Good morning, Jacques.""Good morning!" *tries to go*"Hi Jacques!""Hello!" *tries to go*"Mommy, look at that man go wee-wee!""Oh, forget it." *zip*

Riding Public Transportation Is Fun!

Know what the young woman is thinking? 

"I'm in my happy place, I'm in my happy place..."

Photo by Giuliano Landi.

Need to stay warm in the woods?

Sometimes a news story comes along that is just perfect as is. This is one such story.

Urine is of little relief to hikers

Lost Floridians try novel but ineffective way to stay warm in Adirondacks

It's not in any survival manual, but a group of lost hikers in the Adirondacks [a range of mountains in New York] during a rainy overnight last week tried to fend off the cold by using the only warm water they had — their urine. 

The five hikers, all from Miami, got lost May 3 in the High Peaks during a day hike . . . according to the state Department of Environmental Conservation. 

As it grew dark, temperatures dipped into the 40s and rain began falling. The group tried to keep warm by urinating on each other, they told rescuers. The technique is not a standard survival technique and apparently provided limited relief. 

No information was immediately available from the DEC as to what kind of clothing or foul-weather gear the group had . . .

But after their rescue, they were all wearing foul-smelling gear. (Shazam!)

You know, I don't think that's what he died of.

NFL players pee on the sidelines during games?

I did not know that!

Nick Novak, the kicker for the San Diego Chargers, claims he does it two-to-three times a game. And Novak says that lots of other players do it, too!

I especially like that graphic in the front left of the screen, showing Nick Novak's "target"!

“I got off the field and did a couple of things, and then I got back on the field.”

From NJ.com

There’s something about the thrill of athletic competition that makes athletes want to poop. Or pee! And I’ve already talked about peeing and pooping athletes here and here. So what else is there to say? Lots!

In the New York Times, Mike Tanier shares some tidbits on this topic. For example, in 1990, Duke basketball player Bobby Hurley called a timeout during the NCAA basketball tournament and then ran to the restroom. He must have had to REALLY go to do that!

By Mark Selders

I would give a gold star to Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. In 2006, Paterno had to leave the field TWICE during a game against Ohio State. But he ran off with his head up and a sense of purpose, so fans assumed he had a call from the White House or something.

Afterwards, Paterno said:

“I got off the field and did a couple of things, and then I got back on the field.”

Now THAT’S a real man!

From SI

Bicyclists riding on the Tour de France have two peeing problems: If you stop to pee, everyone can see you AND the riders behind you will catch up! To solve this, the bikers pee together in groups. That way, they can rejoin the race all at once. But the key is to find a deserted spot in the road to pee by. If you pee where people can see you, you can get fined for it! (This happened to 10 riders in the 2007 Tour de France.)

From here.

In 2005, Manny Ramirez (then of the Boston Red Sox) was in the outfield when he felt Nature call . . . LOUDLY. So he set his cap and glove down on the grass and ducked behind the Fenway Field wall known as the Green Monster to bust a grumpy.

Of course, Ramirez didn’t do this while the ball was in play. He waited until there was a meeting on the mound between the pitcher, a coach, and the catcher. 

I like that idea. You go to the bathroom and take care of a couple of things, and when you come out, someone yells, “Play ball!”

Visiting public restrooms is not fun.

The first problem you have when entering a public restroom is you never know when you'll find some nincompoop planking in the stall. (That fad is SO yesterday!)

But even without plankers, you have to deal with "The 6 Stages of Taking a Dump in Public" which are summed up nicely in this chart by Jeff Wysaski from Pleated Jeans:

"Grody to the max"!

Way back in 1982, a girl named Moon Zappa (and her dad, Frank!) had a hit song called "Valley Girl." It had lots of slang that kids in southern California supposedly used . . . and one of its phrases was:

grody to the max

This was used to describe anything especially gross. I thought of this today when I saw a picture of a marathon runner who clearly needed to pull over and use a restroom.

You don't want to see it, trust me. So whatever you do, DON'T hit the "Read more" link below.

Ever wonder what bird poop tastes like? Me either!

I just heard a story from someone code-named biscuitbiscuit. It involves bird poop. And it made me laugh:

Got back to my car after a long
 day at work, only to discover an enormous bird
 poop right in the middle of my windshield. I had 
nothing to clean it off with— no 
water, no tissues, no scraper, nothing. But I
 couldn't have driven as I wouldn't have been
 able to see anything.

So I cleaned the bird poop off with 
my hand.

Then, as I pulled out my keys, I had a 
bizarre moment of brain-fade and thought “What's
 that all over my hand?” and cheerfully licked it 
to find out. 

This was followed by hacking, gagging and
 spitting to try and get the bird poop out of my 
mouth! I am an idiot. An idiot who was lucky not
 to be ill. An idiot who was also very lucky not 
to be seen by anyone!

Athletes Poop Their Pants: Soccer Edition!

As you know, athletes sometimes poop their pants. This problem is especially tricky if you’re a soccer player wearing shorts in front of a huge crowd! But Gary Lineker came up with a solution for this when England played Ireland in the 1990 World Cup. He just sort of fell down, and scooted around on the grass!

WARNING: The subtitles contain one use of “sh**”...as well as the phrase “dodgy spag bal.” (I’ve no idea what that means!)

Take the Plunge!

Nearly a million cell phones get dropped into toilets every year. And this man's phone was one of them!

What makes our gentleman unusual is that he got his arm stuck in the toilet trying to get the phone back! Emergency crews were called. Men with jackhammers removed the toilet. (And reporters with cameras removed the man's dignity.)

This story got a lot of coverage...like this:

Use a One-Way Mirror Toilet…I Dare You!

How weird would it be to do your business in a public bathroom like this? This usable toilet surrounded by a one-way mirror was made by a woman named Monica Bonvicini. Installed in London, the idea was to test if people could “defy their own embarrassment” and pee and/or poop in it.

And I don’t know if I could do it! As you can see, the outside of the bathroom is mirrored glass, while from the inside, you can see everything clearly.

If I was inside and someone outside came up and pretended he could see me, I would start wondering, “Has some switch been thrown that allows people to see in?”

I suppose this kind of pooping paranoia is normal…and just for the record, there is no “switch” that reverses the glass. (Thank goodness!)

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The Bathroom Door is Not Sound-Proof!

As we know, nobody likes to be heard peeing or pooping. Just ask anyone who uses the Pee Without Noise Stool. (Or Marilyn Monroe!)

The Japanese always seem to be pioneers when it comes to bathroom technology. After all, back in the 1800s, a Japanese genius came up with the idea for the Otokeshi-no Tsubo: “Urn for Covering the Sound.” 

The urn was filled with water and put in the bathroom. So when someone needed to pee or poop, the idea was to pull the plug on the urn and let the water flow out of the dragon's mouth. This gurgling would mask the sound of pooping and peeing.

And now the Japanese have come up with yet ANOTHER genius bathroom invention: it’s named the Keitai Otohime, but it’s probably easier just to call it the first-ever, palm-sized pee and poop audio masker.

Basically, it’s a keychain-sized version of the Urn for Covering the Sound. The small electronic device costs about $15, and makes flushing, gurgling sounds. (There is also an iPhone application called “Eco Oto” that does the same thing.) 

But the cool thing about it is that the Keitai Otohime  saves water. That’s because the average Japanese woman flushes the toilet more than two times to conceal her pooping and peeing sounds. That means this device will save four gallons of water every time someone goes to the bathroom!

But maybe the day will come when we no longer need these devices. As a Japanese woman said in this news story, “My own excretory sounds never make me embarrassed. It's much more embarrassing to put on makeup on the train.” Totally. I feel the same way!

Oh, and here’s a 1980s' version of the Keitai Otohime.