Since school's starting, now it's time for science class!

I'm sure you've wondered if farts carry germs. (And if you hadn't, you should have!) And now science gives us the answer:

Not if you pass gas while wearing clothes.

See, there ARE germs (friendly ones, but still) in the deadly aroma of back-door biscuits. But your pants, underwear, and/or dress filter them out. Yay.

The Moral of the Story: Don't walk around naked in the kitchen playing the butt trumpet.

The age-old question:

When it comes to gloves, do you prefer boxers or briefs?

(Or as my friend Lorli says, "Why not save money and just go commando?")

handerpants

"Barfing reindeer" Christmas sweater?

In the world of ugly Christmas sweaters, this one takes the regurgitated cake!

Underwear Models

This isn't exactly gross, but I love this shot of the guy modeling this T-shirt.

It looks like I missed out on a possible career!

Even better, though, is this package of underwear from Poland that a friend sent me. (Thanks, Dean!)

Now here's a gentleman who's eaten a lot of chlodnick.

That's pretty funny.

Beware the Stormpoopers.

So what's gross about this?

Oh, nothing. Except that person is wearing a sweater made from her dog's fur. (More people like this here. Just click on the "Dogwool" section.)

Why do you need underwear for your head?

Oh, just trust me!

Please get me a knitted-brain hat. Thank you.

From here.

Democrats. Republicans. Independent Party-ers. Everybody Poops.

This politically poopy design is available as a T-shirt from Threadless Tees.

And they even have it as a baby's onesy, which makes sense!

Why do you need Handerpants (underpants for the hands)?

Who cares? They're awesome.

This is why I don't wear slippers.

I never get to have any fun.

From here.

"What do you mean, 'humanure'?"

This poor little guy (who's my neighbor!) was given a "Daddy's Lil Humanure Machine" shirt.

If it doesn't make sense to you, when humans make manure, it's humanure. Oh, poop!

"Something old, something new, something soft and absorbent..."

What are these lovely wedding gowns doing on Ultra-Gross? They're made out of toilet paper! So if a blushing bride needed to wipe away her tears of joy (or anything else!), they'd come in handy.

This article by Monica Garske reveals that there's been a "toilet-paper wedding dress" contest every year since 2005. But although there've been some great designs —like the ones above by Ericka Andrade (left) and Bailey Bickford— nobody's actually been MARRIED in these gowns.

What a rip-off! I don't know how a bride feels, but every time I touch toilet paper, I feel a surge of courage throughout my body. (At least I think it's courage...)

Stinky Sock Spiders!

Some people think spiders are gross, and EVERYBODY hates stinky socks. So you’d think that a spider who is attracted to sweaty, stinky socks would be revolting. But it’s not!

Here’s the deal: Mosquitoes are attracted to human smells, so sweaty socks are like mosquito magnets. And since the East African jumping spider (Evarcha culicivora) eats mosquitoes, it’s learned that sweaty socks are good places to pounce on its prey.

In the tropics, blood-sucking mosquitoes can carry diseases like malaria. So folks there should encourage the jumping spider to hang out in their dirty laundry! As this BBC article says, the spider “may be a rather ugly, bloodthirsty little creature, but it could help in the ongoing and complex battle against malaria.”

Why does everything drink from the toilet?

This cool shot of a Star Wars Imperial Walker drinking out of the toilet is by Rodrigo Leonardo Batista Ferreira. It's available as a T-shirt over at Threadless T’s. Get a couple for the Number 1 and Number 2 people in your life!

Bert Blyleven is in TWO Halls of Fame!

From SI Vault

Bert Blyleven has just entered the Baseball Hall of Fame. Good for him!

That's the second HoF he's been inducted into ...  he's been in the Farting Hall of Fame ever since he wore this T-shirt!

I love it when people wear shirts with ridiculous sayings on them. You get to imagine them waking up, looking in the closet, and thinking, "You know, I think I'd look good in an 'I love to fart' T-shirt today!"

Bonus Picture! A unnamed relative of mine who thought it'd be funny to put on his dad's tube socks and dance around. Nice!

The Rules of Grossness

Dude, that jacket
is very gross indeed.

Coming up with the Gross Numbers got me thinking about what CAN and CAN'T be gross. Non-living things that were never alive (like mountains or math teachers) CAN'T be gross. So a jacket can’t be disgusting, unless it's made of Harris tweed. That’s a kind of wool that’s dyed with fungus and algae and then soaked in human urine. (Pee is good for “fixing” dyes into fabrics.) 

(To read more, click “Read more” below.)

"Hey lady, you just stepped in something."

Actually, she didn't.

In real life, this is an interesting high-heel shoe designed by Kobi Levi. Well done!

Eradicate Khaki-Diaper-Butt Today!

Facebook runs little ads in the margins that are personally tailored for each user. So WHY did I get this ad (right) encouraging me to get rid of my khaki-diaper butt? I mean:

1.) I don't wear diapers.

2.) My khakis are loose enough that even if I WAS wearing diapers, nobody would see.

3.) But I don't wear diapers. Seriously! And anyone who says different is a LIAR!