"I fill my underwear with a travel pillow full of brisket."

Nick Krill was on Conan O'Brien's show the other night. Starting at 1:05, Kroll starts telling a story about pooping his pants. It goes on too long, and he's a little too pleased with himself about the whole thing, but still . . . not many adults tell stories about how they filled their underwear with brisket, so we'll allow it.

There's no such thing as "a good egg"?

Via.

"Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I’ve never tasted it."

Alfred Hitchcock, on eggs.

This celebrity caption made me laugh.

From here.

Leslie "Let 'er rip!" Neilsen

Leslie Neilsen was a really funny actor and a nice guy. He also enjoyed a good fart joke, as I shared here.

When Mr. Neilsen died last year, I was among his many fans who were saddened to hear of it.

But until today, I didn't know that even his tombstone had a fart joke on it!

Clearly, Leslie Neilsen was a guy who didn't take life (or death!) seriously. Thumbs up!

Photos from here and here.

My soul has no butt?!

This is the greatest opera story concerning butts ever!

Feodor Chaliapan (1873-1938) was a great Russian opera singer. During a long delay during rehearsal, Feodor started to get impatient.

A stagehand offered to get the singer a chair to sit on while he waited. To this, Feodor responded:

It is not my body that is tired, it is my soul. But my soul has no ass. So forget the chair.

Tallulah Bankhead hopes you have change!

Wikipedia

Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968) was a famous actress from yesteryear. But famous or not, she once found herself in a bathroom stall without toilet paper.

“Darling, is there any tissue in there?” Tallulah asked the woman in the adjacent stall.

“Sorry, no.”

“Then have you any Kleenex?” Tallulah inquired.

“Afraid not.”

There was a pause, then Tallulah said, “My dear, have you two fives for a ten?”

Buscemi-Bieber!

If you take actor Steve Buscemi . . .

. . . and then you take singer Justin Bieber . . . 


. . . and then combine the two of them . . .

You get Buscemi-Bieber!

From here.

What is a "Malcolm Jamal" warning?

I don't know... but it's kind of funny!

Photo by keatonkustler.

Celebrities Barf Too!

Bill Russell was one of the greatest basketball players of all time. In fact, since he won 11 championships in 13 seasons, you could say he was THE best ever!

So what did a tough player like Russell do before games?

Blow chunks!

For years, Russell would get so nervous before tip-off, he'd have to throw up. What’s weird is that right after I saw that in The Undisputed Guide to Pro Basketball, I was reading the autobiography of actor Michael Caine. (He’s been in over a hundred films.) When Caine started out in acting in plays, he noted there was an empty bucket off-stage in many theaters.

“I wonder what that’s for?” he asked himself.

When showtime got close, Caine got nervous. And then, right before his big entrance, Caine found himself with his head over the pail, throwing up!

Yep, it was a puke bucket. And Caine went on to use these buckets many, many times!

Bill Russell picture from here,

Michael Caine from here,

barf-bucket  here.

"Like a Bridge Over Septic Water"

Photo origin

As you know, I have had my share of bad nicknames. (These include Barf Fing and Fart King.) But I just heard a gross nickname that may top mine.

Art Garfunkel is a famous singer. He is not usually known as Fart Barfunkel, but when he is, it's hilarious!

Now THAT rule makes sense!

“The rule is if it looks like
 someone COULD pee on it,
 they did.” 

Amy Ryan is an actress. And in this article, she gives the rule about any surface you might find in the city.

The Million-Dollar Toilet?!

J.D. Salinger was a famous writer who died recently. And apparently, after Salinger passed away, someone bought his toilet, and is now selling it on eBay for a cool million bucks. (The link is here, but it won't be around after Sept. 4.)

But this seems like a total rip-off to me...this toilet doesn't even have a seat!

"Couleur Caca d’Oie": Learning French Can Be Gross!

If you want to describe something that's a yellowish-green color, you probably call it “yellowish-green.” (Or “greenish-yellow”!) But in France, they have a cool gross saying for this hue: couleur caca d’oie.

This translates to “the color of goose poop.” 

The phrase shows how important geese are to the French. This is partially because the French love foie gras, the overstuffed liver of the goose.

But animals should be cared for thoughtfully and slaughtered in a quick, humane way. And that’s why foie gras has been outlawed in some parts of the world. It’s a paste made from the swollen livers of ducks or geese. But to get the livers tasting the “right” way, a foie gras rancher grabs a duck and shoves a funnel down its throat. This funnel goes all the way to the animal’s stomach. Then the animal is force-fed (or force-gorged) to digest more food than it would ever eat naturally.

This process is so disgusting, food celebrity Anthony Bourdain almost blew chunks when he watched a French duck being fed like this. 

And after eating foie gras and taking a car ride home, he DID throw up. Spectacularly!

Goose picture from the Boise Guardian. 

What's Marilyn Monroe Doing in a Blog Like This?

Remember that “peeing like a racehorse” post? Here’s an addition!

Marilyn Monroe was a world-famous entertainer. When she got engaged to writer Arthur Miller, Marilyn had to go meet his mother. 

Everything went great until Marilyn asked to use the bathroom. It was located RIGHT next to the living room, and it had a thin door. Worried that she might be overheard, Marilyn Monroe turned on the water in the tub AND sink while she took care of her business.

The next day, Arthur spoke with his mom and asked, “How did you like Marilyn?” 

And his mother answered, “She’s sweet, a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful girl... but she pees louder than a horse!”

Celebrity Gross-Outs!

Sure, celebrities are famous. And rich. Plus, I bet they get lots of free stuff, like gum. But does that make them so different from the rest of us? Maybe! To test this, let’s look at what celebrities get “grossed out” by.

Many celebrity choices seem normal. For example, actress Amanda Peet is freaked out by spiders. And when Vivica A. Fox said that she doesn’t like B.O. because she’s got “a sensitive nose,” I said “Fair enough.”

But I think that Jessica Alba was being too general when she said that “bad hygiene” is gross. Um, could you narrow it down a little? And actor Robert Iler (The Sopranos) made a totally obvious choice when he said, “When you see someone throwing up... That’s disgusting.” Good one! Oh, you know what else is gross? Poop! Bet you never thought of that!

That’s why Lisa Kudrow gets extra credit for being specific and not pointing out the most obvious thing there is. “You know sometimes people have that white foam on the sides of their mouth? It’s not really foam, it’s more like glue.” Yeah, that’s pretty bad!

Finally, there are plenty of famous folk who clearly have been spoiled beyond belief. Take Kelly Monaco, for instance. (She isn’t that famous, but she was in Dancing With the Stars, so let’s just pretend.) Kelly said she was revolted by “dumpsters in the back of fast-food chains and grocery stores.”

Dumpsters? Yeah, it’s too bad that people are properly disposing of their trash. Maybe we could, like, start a petition against it or something?

But I like the minor eccentric thing that someone finds disgusting. For example, Dakota Fanning said, “Tomatoes are weird. The only way I can eat ketchup is to [pretend] that it doesn’t come from tomatoes.”

Hey, you know what? I’m a celebrity too! After all, I have this blog. And once, I got fan mail. (Thanks, Mom!) So here’s my pet gross peeve: I don’t mind if someone has food on or between their teeth. Some poppy seeds? No worries. Got a chunk of chive? I can look away.

But if there’s something generic and white between someone’s teeth— Ugh. Seeing that is worse than a dumpster full of tomatoes!

And I also can actually get goose bumps of disgust when I see spitwads. There’s something about those little wet pieces of paper that gives me the chills.