"Care for some bloody marmalade on your toast?"

I was just reading this Smithsonian article about a book titled Mummies, Cannibals and Vampires: The History of Corpse Medicine from the Renaissance to the Victorians. 

According to it, not only did Romans drank the blood of slain gladiators to get their life’s vitality, but “for several hundred years, peaking in the 16th and 17th centuries, many Europeans, including royalty, priests and scientists, routinely ingested remedies containing human bones, blood and fat as medicine for everything from headaches to epilepsy.”

Blech. My favorite bloody detail:

A 1679 recipe from a Franciscan apothecary describes how to make [human blood] into marmalade.

"Lovely strawberry jam, Martha."

"Oh, that's my special marmalade recipe!"

Uncool!

Via.

Could I have a sample scoop of "Children"?

On second thought, never mind.

"Honey, I think the children are done boiling."

Via.

"Okay, finish chopping the carrots while I bring the kids down to a simmer. Then I'll pop out and get us some crackers."

I hate to point fingers, but YOU’RE A CANNIBAL!

I think we can agree that eating human flesh is pretty uncool. After all, you’d probably have to slaughter and cook a human to do it! But not necessarily. Just biting your fingernails, chewing a cuticle, or accidentally eating some of your own hair is cannibalism.

I was just looking over some facts on the subject from National Geographic which I’m happy to share with you. First, humans are a good source of protein, but there’s less of it than you might think. Two scientists figured that the “meat yield” from the average human body would provide about four kilograms of protein. That meets the daily nutritional requirements of 60 adults. 

So a tribe of 60 people would have to find a new person to eat every day! Wait, there’s more!

• The Aztecs are believed to have eaten people in order to make their gods happy. One of their emperors, Montezuma (a.k.a. Moctezuma), is said to have been quite partial to human thighs served with tomatoes and chili pepper sauce. (But take it easy on the chili or you'll get Montezuma's revenge!)
• The Fore tribe of Papua New Guinea ate EVERY part of their dead including their bones and poop. This practice, known as endo-cannibalism, was actually born out of love and respect as they viewed it as a way their deceased to literally live on forever.
• A cannibalistic practice known as Ko Ku and Ko Kan occurred in China. Sons and daughters would donate parts of their body such as their liver to their sick parents. According to legend, a princess called Miao Chuang surrendered her severed hands to her ailing father, after which everyone thought she was pretty cool. (But they didn't give her a standing ovation.

Human Jell-O!

From here.

Jell-O (and other gelatins) are used in things like desserts, marshmallows, and jellies. These gelatins are usually made from the bones and skin of cows and pigs. (One way to do it is to boil the animal bones until they turn to powder.)

Weird, right? When you’re eating Jello-O, you’re eating an animal!

Because eating cows and pigs can present problems, scientists have come up with a new gelatin that uses yeast. This yeast then has human gelatin cells put into it. And although it’s not being used in Jell-O or other jellies yet, maybe it’s only a matter of time before there’s delicious human-based jelly!

News story here.

"Honey, what are you cooking in the microwave?"

"Noooooo!"

William Shakespeare: The Bard of Barf!

Sometime around 1590, William Shakespeare sat down and wrote a bloodbath of a play called Titus Andronicus. Here at Ultra-Gross, we don’t usually explore grisly topics. But since it’s Shakespeare, we’ll make an exception!

I don’t want to give away the plot, but the play has 14 murders, one live burial, and one pie made from two people and then eaten. 

Worst of all, the cannibal is a woman named Tamora who unwittingly eaten her own sons. This human-pie was made as revenge for a DIFFERENT atrocity, but anyway, now you can understand this new title for Titus Andronicus that Casey Fox came up with!

"It's like a toy you can eat!

I think ALL foods are more delicious when they look like human beings. Plus, it adds a little taste of cannibalistic adventure. So thanks, Happy Hot Dog Man!

That's mean!

If you're ever in Alabama, keep an eye out for the cannibal in the BMW. This horrible, horrible license plate raises a few questions:

1.) How could the DMV have allowed "I8ABABY" in the first place?
2.) Why is the driver telling us he ate a baby? Does he think we'll be impressed?
3.) This is a little off-topic, but what kind of gas mileage does that car get?

Addition: A very grumpy commenter who may or may not own this car has informed me that the phrase "I ate a baby" is from the Austin Powers' movies. (Gee, that changes everything!)

Babies as Food: The Ultimate Collection!

Some people think it's cute and/or appetizing to dress babies up as food. These people are clearly insane. And today, we honor them.

First up, the baby-burrito!

And while we're enjoying Mexican food, 

how about a baby-taco?

Wait, this guy is actually going to COOK his baby?!

 Don't do it!

But if you do, preheat the oven and then cook for three hours at 400 degrees. Ooh, I think this was the first photo I ever saw of baby-food: the baby-burger:

The annoying thing about ALL of these is that it's seemingly impossible to find out WHO took the pictures. These photographers need to be credited. (And then put in jail!)

There's something disturbing about this statue...

...but I can't seem to put my finger on it.

Wait, I've got it! That ogre is eating little kids!

Wow.

That seems sort of anti-social. But I'm sure they put it in a spot where no children can see it.

*researching*

Scratch that. This famous statue is called the Kindlifresserbrunnen: "Fountain of the Eater of Little Children"!

And it's right in the middle of the Swiss city of Bern. Way to go, guys. Swiss children are crying themselves to sleep right now because of this!

Photo from Wikipedia.

Baby Cakes! (Warning: Below are images of a baby-cake!)

What kind of a gift should you give a woman for her baby shower?

Wait, here's a better question: What kind of a gift should you AVOID making a woman for her baby shower?

Of course, it IS a cake . . . so someone has to slice it. Eek.

You know, I think I'll skip having a second piece?

P.S. This cake must be pretty disturbing . . . I've already received two complaints! Let me know if you think I should delete it!

Hungry? Think of the kids first!

In Virginia, the license plot motto is "Kids First"... but with this vanity plate, it reads, "Eat the Kids First"! Funny.

Don't eat the Dutch babies!

My wife went out to breakfast with a friend this morning. When she got home, I asked her, "What did you eat?"

"I had a Dutch baby," she said.

"What? Noooooooo!" I shouted. "Sure, that's good protein, but for the love of humanity—"

But then my wife explained that a Dutch baby is a fluffy pancake thing with powdered sugar.

So never mind.

Photos from here and here.

"Paging Donner, dinner party of 32..."

Yes.

Eating humans IS wrong. The meat is stringy and tough! 

Also, my brother-in-law says that if you ate a person, “you would digest human fat which usually only happens when you are starving and digesting your OWN fat. So, your body thinks you are starving, which makes you more ravenous for MORE human meat!”

I haven’t read Allan C. Hutchinson's book Is Eating People Wrong?, but I think the title refers to the Case of the Speluncean Explorers. Read all about it! (And thanks to Eavan Shaw and Andrew Simon for the assists.)

Gross Valentine's Day Cards!

Over at QuinkyArt, artist Elliott Quince has some zombie Valentine's Day cards that will make your loved one's heart go pitter-pat. (And that might be the LAST sound it makes!)

"Don't eat the baby!"

"For the love of all that's holy, 
let me OUT of this thing!"

Question of the Day

A person from New Guinea recently wrote a columnist with this question:

My family are cannibals. When can my toddler add human flesh to his diet?

The answer doesn't matter. But that question is both gross AND funny!

Edible Mummies and Headless Gladiators

"You want a piece of me?"

Yummy! A scientist named Richard Sugg says people ate mummies for a long time. More exactly, these people took mummies for medicine!

From the 1100s through the 1700s, doctors often had their patients eat ground-up mummy powder. Why would medical experts think it was smart to eat dried dead people? Look, mummies are so mysterious, it just seemed like eating them HAD to be healthy! Plus, maybe they thought that mummies were SO old, eating them wasn’t cannibalism.

In other news, archaeologists in England uncovered an ancient cemetery full of headless Romans! The skeletons date back to about 1,700 years ago, when the Roman Empire was still colossal. But while it’s too bad many had their heads cut off, at least some were buried WITH their detached noggins!

What’s interesting is that the skeletons have battle scars. And they came from mainland Europe, NOT England. So the theory was that these the headless Romans were soldiers.

But other evidence showed the dead men had one arm that was stronger than the other. Okay, so they probably swung a sword or axe with that one! Ah, but one body had tooth marks from a lion or bear, which suggests a gladiator.

Ancient beheaded gladiators? That’s pretty cool!

Top photo from National Geographic,

article from the Guardian.

bottom photos and article 

from York Archaeology (via).