I wonder why this 300-foot airship is nicknamed "the Flying Bum"?

Oh.

Happy Birthday, you one-eyed freak!

My niece, Molly, had her fourth birthday yesterday. This was her cake!

Explanation: When someone asked Molly’s brother about his middle name—Ulysses— he explained that in mythology, Ulysses fought a cyclops.

Asked to define a cyclops, he said, "A one-eyed freak." 

At this, Molly squealed in delight. The phrase became her favorite endearing insult . . . and when asked what kind of birthday cake she wanted when she turned four, she said, "I want a one-eyed freak cake, please."

Warning: When cutting this cake, you must slice pieces carefully. (It's very easy to accidentally detach the retina.)

The Assassin Bug SUCKS!

From here.

I don’t think there’s an insect out there with a scarier name than the assassin bug (Triatoma Infestans). And trust me, they are GROSS.

These bugs are bloodsuckers, but that's NOT the gross part. Charles Darwin was once a victim of them: “At night I experienced an attack [of assassin bugs]. It is most disgusting to feel soft wingless insects, about an inch long, crawling over one's body."

Assassin bugs can give people something called Chagas disease. It’s fatal. (See, the bugs really ARE assassins!) But that's NOT the gross part.

Wikipedia

Assassin bugs live in North and South America, where they suck on rodents and bats. But humans are perfectly tasty to them as well. Once the assassin bug bites, it might feed for up to 30 minutes, with its body swelling up as it drinks.

Ooh, this is nasty: The assassin bug likes to crawl onto the face of humans and then suck blood from around the person’s mouth. Ick! This explains the OTHER nickname for it: “the kissing bug.”

That’s STILL not the gross part!

"Noooooo!"

The way humans get disease from assassin bugs might happen this way. The bug crawls on the sleeping person’s face and drinks blood from near his mouth. While it’s drinking, the bug poops. The assassin bug poop is where the GERMS are!

After the bug waddles off, the person wakes up. The person might scratch the itch of the bugbite, smearing the poop into his own skin and bloodstream. Or he could even rub his mouth and accidentally push the bug poop INTO his mouth. Blech!

A South American nickname for the assassin bug is vinchuca:  "that which lets itself fall." The bug gets that name because it climbs up onto the ceiling above a sleeping person and then drops from the roof onto the bed. Ugh.
Yes, THAT'S the gross part! And BTW, NPR has a great story on bugs, which is based on a new book called Wicked Bugs by Amy Stewart. ("Nooo!" photo from here.)

Flowers sure are purty...even turd blossoms!

With a new year coming, it's time to turn over a new leaf here at Ultra-Gross. Why write about disgusting things all the time? So let's talk about flowers!

I always thought that the worst name for a flower was the strangleweed. That’s the nickname for a flowering vine also known as the devils-guts, witch's shoelaces, and dodder. 

But I had forgotten about the turd blossom!

In Texas, a turd blossom is ANY flower that grows in a pile of poop. Usually cow poop.

Fun Fact: Turd Blossom is also the nickname that former President George W. Bush gave to his advisor, Karl Rove.

Photo from Travel Folio.

"Like a Bridge Over Septic Water"

Photo origin

As you know, I have had my share of bad nicknames. (These include Barf Fing and Fart King.) But I just heard a gross nickname that may top mine.

Art Garfunkel is a famous singer. He is not usually known as Fart Barfunkel, but when he is, it's hilarious!

Gross Nicknames!

Maybe you think you've had a bad nickname. Please! My name is BART. Guess what that rhymes with?

Hey, this reminds me that when famous scientist Charles Darwin was a kid, he was so interested in chemistry, his friends nicknamed him “Gas.” Downer!

The great artist Michelangelo didn't have a bad nickname. Why would he? This is the guy who painted a masterpiece in the Sistine Chapel in 1541. It was awesome! A classic! Incredible!

But even so, some people had a problem with the painting. See, “The Last Judgment” was a big painting with lots of people… and over three-dozen of the men shown in the masterpiece were naked. Yikes! So another artist was picked to paint underwear. Lots and lots of underwear.

The lucky person picked for the job was Danela da Volterra. But he is better known today for his nickname of Il Braghettone: "The Underwear Man".

Ooh, and here's another unfortunate nickname: In World War II, the Japanese admiral Shigetaro Shimada was called: “Droopy Drawers” (Yurufun)!

The Chinese have some funny nicknames, too. For example, China Central TV is headquartered in an unusual skyscraper. Its owners wanted to nickname the building Zhi chuan ("knowledge window"). This was probably a bad idea, since that sounds a lot like the Chinese word for “hemorrhoid” (Zhi chuang).

But before that nickname could get going, a Chinese taxi driver started calling it dà kùcha: “Big Underwear”. And that’s the nickname that’s stuck!


BONUS: The best, grossest nickname might be right here.

"Underpanticus Maximus"! (Nicknames for Underwear)

Underwear didn't even get invented until the 1800s. So before that, people left skidmarks everywhere. Ugh!

Though it's known by names like "skivvies" now, the first pairs of underwear were nicknamed "unmentionables" and even "unwhisperables." That's right, you couldn't even whisper about your underwear!

Of course, we have a much healthier attitude about our underwear these days. In fact, an Australian company even did a survey to discover the favorite nicknames for underwear in the Down Under:

Aren't we clever?

Grundies

Bog Catchers

Budgie Smugglers

Skidy Scrapers

The Incubators

Foundation Wear

Acca Daccas—Boggle Pants—Wedges—Bum Baggers—Tightie Whities—Egg-cups—Fun Daks—Buttbags—Scungies—Dakkers—Bum Floss—Potato Sack—Duds Fundies—Butt Huggers—Jewel Cases—Skid Pans—Tackle Bag—Skidmark Holders—Dag Catchers—Scruts Jokies—Bum Warmers—Mooshies—Skiddies—Fundies—Jean Savers—Fire Breakz—Underdacks—Tackle Box Covers—Nut Hut (I prefer “Under-the-Butt Nut Hut”)—Scruds—Clacker Covers—Bumderdaks—Dakes—Geeto Bobblies—Mr. Happy Pants—Scungeys—Snag Slingers—Boodundies—Ninnies—Skid Markers—Bum Socks—John Brumbies—Fudgeamudge—Crazy T Bog Blockers.

Bumberdaks photo by redrider1981.