Pee of Death, Poop of Doom!

Hans van den Berg

I peed blood this morning.

And as it hit the toilet bowl, it turned sort of a rusty color and swirled around ominously.

Well, THAT'S disturbing, I thought. To avoid having a heart attack, I tried to think of something relaxing. So I grabbed the sports section and sat down on the toilet.

Minutes later, I yelled, "I pooped blood!" (And I had—it was all horrible and red.)

"No you didn't," my wife called back.

What the what? When you're dying of blood loss, you don't want someone to tell you you're fine. "I'm dying of blood loss here!" I cried out.

Photo by Darwin Bell

"We had beets last night," my wife reminded me.

Oh yeah! I'd eaten a bowl of the Russian beet soup called borscht. And beets have an incredibly strong red color that manages to STAY red all the way through a human's digestive system. I was going to live!

"I'm not going to die after all," I said reassuringly, as I came out of the bathroom.

"Not YET, anyway," was her answer. (Hey, what does that mean?)