How small is my bathroom?

I never have to take a yoga class, because my bathroom is so small, I have to be limber just to use it. Which is why it has a hidden, sliding door, as opposed to one that swings IN.

Via.

Pop Quiz: Urinals!

Here’s your pop quiz for today. Read this and guess the gender of the writer!

Via.

People dislike peeing next to each other. So there is a little dance you do when you go into a multi-stall bathroom. You casually glance (no bending over to check, that's rude) to see if other stalls are occupied, and if so, how many. If no other stalls are occupied, you pick your favorite stall, maybe because it's the one that always has toilet paper, maybe it's the one with a slower automatic flush, maybe it's got interesting graffiti. 

However, what if other stalls are occupied? Then, quick math takes over. You need to pick the stall that is the furthest from other people's pooping. Sometimes this is easy and you can pick a stall two over, with a single stall barrier in between you and your peeing partner. 

Got it? The article is written by “scicurious” over at Neurotic Physiology. (I paraphrased it slightly.) But since the post was titled “The Urinal Problem”, I assumed that scicurious was male . . . after all, only men use urinals, right?

Wrong. When a woman pees in a toilet, it’s magically *ta-dah!* a urinal. Now I know. (And knowing is half the battle!)

Thinking about picking your nose?

Why not have a deity do it for you? (Via.)

"I'll love you forever...wait, look what you did! GET OUT."

Until today, I'd never heard of the beloved kids classic Love You Forever. It's apparently a real tear-jerker, and based on this cover, I think I know why.

Scientists study fish farts with robot fish-fart detector!

Oh man, Science magazine is great. From it, I learned that scientists are studying fish farts. Second, they use a robot fish to do it!

Via.

Researchers recorded barely-audible, cricket-like noises they think could be nighttime fish farts. The team programmed a torpedo-shaped robot called a glider to head out to sea…By comparing the grunts and whistles on their recordings to known fish calls, researchers found red grouper and toadfishes were the most frequent fish sounds recorded.... The probable farts were…most likely a group of fish releasing gas from an internal buoyancy organ called a swim bladder. By mapping these sounds, the researchers hope to get a better picture of species distributions and likely spawning areas…

Is it any surprise that one of the loudest farters was the toadfish?

FYI

There's a guy named "Taco B.M. Monster". He's Danish, and has written scientific studies like this one.

Wasabi Chip ads give me nightmares

Oy.

"Dachshund is the most succulent"

Reading a New Yorker article called "Beware of the Dogs," I came to a section about Germany in the 1940s. At that time, World War II had caused food shortages in the country. And so while the Germans loved their dogs, they had to choose between pets and starvation.

That's a chilling little sentence at the end, isn't it?

"Who ordered the python fillets?"

Writing in the Oregonian, Rebecca Koffman has an article about a local store that stocks a variety of interesting meats. You know, like ostrich tenderloin, alligator sirloin, and python fillets.

What does python taste like? No, it doesn't constrict your taste buds. I guess that the best word to describe them would be ophidian. (You're welcome!)

Oh, that crazy pearlfish.

Did you know that the pearlfish lives inside the anus of the sea cucumber during the day? This is actually quite interesting!

These kids are gross, mean, snotty, rude, and rebellious. (I love them!)

Garbage Pail Kids were a mockery of Cabbage Patch Kids from back in the 1980s. The GPK showed up on various trading cards. As artist John Pound fondly recalls:

Using shock tactics for maximum impact, GPKs would be gross, mean, snotty, rude, and rebellious. But since I had to look at these violent, miserable, and disgusting kids all day while painting them, I selfishly wanted them to also feel good to look at—to be cute and lovable while spewing mayhem, disasters, and wild, crazy nonsense like they’re proud to be weird!

Buy the book! (If you want. No pressure. Not in the mood? Buy my books instead!)

Philosophy Time!

I love the kid's expression. (From Drawing Nothing.)

When "loosey goosey" meets "tightey whitey"

Hockey player Paul Bissonnette of the Coyotes gave one of the more unusual sports interviews in recent memory. (It had to do with a case of missing underwear...)

Breaking Wind News! Man passes gas, anchorwoman cracks up.

Toiletgate

I like chess! (I also suck at chess, but never mind that.) Anyway, I was reading this article about cheating and chess when I came across this tidbit about the 2006 world championship match between Vladimir Kramnik of Russia and Veselin Topalov.

The match came to a halt after Silvio Danailov, Mr. Topalov’s manager, accused Mr. Kramnik of consulting a computer in the bathroom. The organizers locked the bathroom, whereupon Mr. Kramnik forfeited a game and refused to continue unless the bathroom was unlocked. It eventually was; he went on to win the match, and the incident went down in chess lore as Toiletgate.

Did you see that? Toiletgate! Man, it’s going to be a good day.

Behold the Fanfin Sea Devil

It lives WAAAAY down deep in the sea. (Lucky for you!) Via.

Hurray for Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum!

Yep, it's a real museum in Texas. There was a New York Times article on it yesterday. And you can visit the museum's Facebook page here.

"These cow eyeballs are delicious."

Every year, a group called the Explorers Club gets together in New York. Members dine on a variety of disgusting foodstuffs to show how worldly they are. For example, the cows' eyeballs above. Some of the other dishes included python patties with bacon, pickled duck tongue, and strawberry pastry cups filled with maggot sprinkles.

Wait, did someone say maggot sprinkles?

Behold the Barf Bird!

Oh man, I just read a great article about how a bird called the Eurasian roller protects itself. Thanks, Discovery News!

Offspring of the bright-blue jackdaw-sized bird [the Eurasian roller, Coracias garrulus] throw up a repugnant fluid when they are frightened in their nests... Covered in vomit, the nestlings not surprisingly become less attractive as a snack... But the smell also alerts parents, returning to the nest, that a threatening incident has happened in their absence, they believe.... 

Previous research has found that birds have a surprisingly wide range of defensive reactions. The common eider (Somateria mollissima) and northern shoveler (Anas acuta) have the ability to spray feces on their eggs to deter mammal egg-thieves.

Ever wonder how big Japanese giant hornets get?

About THIS big. These are Vespa mandarinia, a.k.a., Japanese hornets. Yikes! (Photo by Addicted2Hymenoptera.)

That was fast.

Time for an Ex-Lax Movie!

I'm guessing you know that Ex-Lax is a laxative, which makes this more amusing. It explains why Tommy is so terrible—he's constipated!

It doesn't explain why he's so manically excited at the end, though. Take it easy, kid. (Ad from LIFE magazine, February 1940. Thanks to Weird Universe for the tip.)

Guess where the Vampire Squid lives!

If you were to dive down to about 2,000 to 3,000 feet, you might disturb a vampire squid.

You’d know if you did, too, because when it’s upset, the vampire squid squirts glowing slime.

Even better, Its scientific name, Vampyroteuthis infernalis, translates to “vampire squid from hell.”  (Good thing it’s only six inches across!) Via.

Nature's Perfect Poop

Via.

At his blog, Thomas Hayden has a theory about the animal with the perfect poop: the copepod.

Copepods live in the ocean, where they drift around and eat plankton. But because the plankton is sort of spiky, copepods wrap their poop up so that it doesn't hurt hurt them on the way out.

Via.

So yes, copepod poop comes with its own wrapper. And after a copepod busts a grumpy, the grumpy sinks to the ocean floor, where it becomes food for other animals.

What if humans had a system like this? Thomas Hayden says we would poop something that looks like a "nicely wrapped burrito." Niiice!

This dog is an incredible athlete!

Total Biscuit of the Heart

The Concept: Singing along to Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while chewing crackers.
The Video: Pretty much what you'd expect.

"Look, honey! It's a crusted browntail!"

What Bird Did That? A Driver's Guide to Some Common Birds of North America is a guide to bird poop. 

It can help you identify over 40 types of bird spatters, from ducks to vultures. 

Hey, since vultures eat rotting bodies, I wonder if their poop is especially gross? Guess I better get a copy!

Why do students at the University of Chicago get "rivers of excrement"?

Michelle Rodriguez will explain. (It has to do with their exploding toilets!)

Want to know this "special drink's" secret ingredient?

Bird's nests are scraped off the seaside cliffs of Java because it's believed that eating them is healthy. The nests are stuck together with hardened bird saliva. How do you make it into a soda? Just add carbonated water, and you have Bird's Nest Drink. Ach-tooey! (Via.)

Gone With The Wind!

As you know, some articles are so awesome, they speak for themselves. THIS is one of them. It’s about a bar (a.k.a. “club”) in Great Britain that is banning one of its customers (a.k.a. “members”) for having stinky farts. I’ve edited the piece, from the Northern Echo, just a bit.)

A men's club is threatening to ban one of its members for his flatulence. 

Dave Marriott has been causing a stink and now he has been warned that if he doesn't stop, he will be barred. 

Mr. Marriott said: "I'm not a scruffy man, I'm just afflicted with wind. I only drink two days a week, on a Saturday and Sunday. But if I drink too much on an afternoon then I'm flatulent on an evening and it can be really bad . . . a few people had been complaining. In fairness it's not just me, but I'm probably the worst. In the past I've actually been awarded pints for clearing a bar at closing time, when the landlord wanted everyone to leave. But I'm not proud of myself and now I've received a reprimand and a final warning. If I carry on letting off then I'll be out." 

Mr Marriott, who has been a member of the Grange Villa Workmen's Social Club for more than 30 years, said he is not aware if he suffers from any particular medical problem. 

"I don't know that I have a problem and my brother is just the same," Mr Marriott said. "Though I've not asked a doctor. There's quite a bit of flatulence down the club and they seem to be cracking down - perhaps it's because women are now allowed in the bar. I've tried changing from Guinness to lager but it's made no difference, so whether I need to go and see a chemist and see if they can give me anything I don't know. I've nothing against the club for doing this - in fact it's all been a bit comical and I could see one or two of the committee sniggering as they told me I had to stop." 

A spokesman for the club confirmed disciplinary action had been taken, but declined to comment further.

Thanks to OldAnth for this post’s title!

Don't rear end him.

This photo was posted over at BoingBoing. A couple of commenters got off good ones. One is this post's title. The other?

"An SUV just pulled right out in front of me!"  

"Did you hit him?"   

"Hit him? I rectum!"

"Modern Family" scores!

"Ugh! It smells like puke married poop and had the ceremony in my nose."

Good to know.

Now that's just mean!

Echolocution rocks!

The scientific name for the Griffin's Leaf Nosed bat is Hipposideros griffini. But you can call it "Gah!" (Via.)

Light a fire under your butt!

That's how Discover magazine's Discoblog described the incinerating toilets that burn up poop and leave behind only ashes.

The post also talks about a number of ways that we get rid of pee and poop...including how in India, there is a social class called the Untouchables whose job has traditionally been dealing with human sewage. (Oy.)

"Twilight" toilet paper?

Looks like someone's not a Stephanie Meyers fan!