Gross Jobs!

Actually, some are just unpleasant and dangerous. Thanks to the good people at Lapham's Quarterly! (Click the graphic to make it larger.)

Play the Clarinet? Prepare to Die!

At least, that’s the message I took from this NPR article, “That Clarinet Could Be A Germ Factory”

Apparently, scientists at Oklahoma State University tested different musical instruments. And they found that almost 300 different bacteria as well as yeasts and molds were on the clarinets!

This led to a classic quote:

“Playing music in the band is good for kids, but maybe not so much if that clarinet is a cesspool of bacteria and fungi.”

Photo by Allison. 

You Know the Rule:

As soon as you get a mouthful of milk, some clown will make you laugh!

Yummy! I love brownies!

 Photo by the York Archaeological Trust

What's that? You say this is a actually a photo of a 2,500-year old human brain?

I think I just lost my brownie appetite.

This ancient brain was found in England. It apparently belonged to a man who was hung by the neck and THEN decapitated. Talk about overkill!

This Live Science article about it had a great quote:

“It was just amazing to think that a brain of someone who had died so many thousands of years ago could persist just in wet ground,” said a researcher . . . “If you talk to pathologists who deal with fresh dead bodies they say the first organ to really deteriorate and to basically go to liquid is the brain because of its high fat content.”

Hey, I got my appetite back!

Snake in a Toilet? (Poor Snake!)

How scary is this?

Yes, it’s a boa constrictor in a toilet!

Of course, it’s scariest for the snake. It got purchased by some nitwit in Germany who either let it escape or set it free.

Then there’s the seven-year old girl who went into the bathroom and found the snake in the toilet . . . that’d be scary, too!

But the girl will be fine. Here’s hoping the poor snake is rescued and finds a good home!

Story here.

What's worse than finding a bottle of pee?

Photo by cardhouse.

Finding an EMPTY bottle of pee.


Even so, I sort of wonder what Pee Cola tastes like!

NEWSFLASH: He ain't gonna pee-pee his bed tonight.

You may wonder if this song is in English. It is! Just listen for a little while and you will figure out its very complicated lyrics.

The Kelly Family was apparently pretty popular in Europe in the 1980s and '90s. With songs like these, they'd have to be! (Tip via boingboing.)

You know what can't be gross?

A cat!

Because kitties are so sweet and furry and funny and playful and— hey, what's that?

Gak! Sphinx cat with kittens! Make it go away!

Photo from here.

What does a basset hound look like when it runs?

I'm sorry I asked. (Via!)

Supermarket Signs Gone Wrong!

The people who work at supermarkets work hard. But sometimes they need to work a little harder at getting their signs correct.

Because "Canned Cat" does NOT mean the same thing as "Canned Cat Food"!

Although it's not gross, I also like this photo of Pop-Tards. If you're in a band, this could be a great name for you.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome . . . THE POP-TARDS!!"

But sometimes it's the customers who foul things up... like the wise-guy who threw a fake severed foot in with the ham.

Now I'm not in the mood to eat ham OR severed feet. Thanks a lot, buddy!

Top photo by calvinhp,

bottom two from Buzzfeed.

Who spilled mustard on the couch?

Oh, it's a pillow? Never mind!

From etsy.

"De-corking the borking"—Sayings for Going Poop

By Dave Praeger

Whenever I have to poop, I like to announce, “I’m going to bust a grumpy."

But as much as I love that saying, I've been looking for a replacement. Here are some possibilities!

Poetry

—Pump a clump of dump from my rump

—Download a brownload

—Dirty squirties

Colorful!

—I’ve got to go bury a Quaker (Quakers used to always wear brown clothes.)

—Slopping gruel in Oliver’s bowl

—Baiting the trap

—Dropping the kids off at the pool

From here.

Drums

—Sitting on the thunderbox

—Rolling the snares

—Crashing the cymbals

—Preparing to drop the tom-toms

Scientific

—I’m experiencing a peristaltic rush

—My colon just sent me an IM

Working Hard

—Making some butt mud

—Building a log cabin

—Producing output

—Doing some spring cleaning

Action!

—Wrestling a leprechaun

—Dropping the deuce
—Catching a brown trout

—Pilot to bombardier: Open main hatchway!

—Launching torpedoes

—Drop anchor

—Captain, we have a message from the poop deck!

Food

—Making a chocolate brioche
—Preparing some currywurst
—Scrambling butt eggs
—Churning the bum butter

I Don’t Want to Think About It

—Cutting rope

—Pinching a yam

—Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl.

Release the…

—Release the hostages.

—Release the hounds!

—Release the Kraken!!

What the What?!

—Cripping a crapple

—De-corking the borking

—Shtounga!

—Making a banoogie
—Researching Richard the Turd

—Pinch-hitting for Kurt Bevacqua (he played for the San Diego Padres back in the days when they wore dung-brown uniforms).

Best Bathroom Stall Sign Ever!

"Beware of Limbo Dancers!" is brilliant.

And "Loads Over 10 Lbs Lower with Rope" isn't shabby either!

Photo by avlxyz.

The "Stargazer Fish"— Worst fish name ever?

If you're going to call a fish a "stargazer", it should have kind of an innocent, star-gazing quality. But THIS is what the stargazer fish actually looks like!

"Mommy? I'm scared!"

What a nightmare! Here's what I think of when I look at that mug:

1. Zombies
2. Mummies
3. Anything but stargazers!

The stargazer fish buries itself in the ocean floor and waits for something to swim by. And if anyone messes with it, the stargazer can give an electric shock!

Oh, did I mention its poisonous spines yet?

Photo from National Geographic.

Nuclear Boy's Poop Is Dangerous

Have you seen this Japanese cartoon yet? The idea is that explains Japan's current problems with a character named Nuclear Boy. To put it simply, he has toxic farts and poo.

As you can see, Nuclear Boy has had a bad stomach ache since the earthquake. His poop is VERY stinky, and everyone’s afraid that Nuclear Boy will make a stinky poop if he doesn’t get medicine soon.

And he is already farting . . . which is a bad sign! (I think we all hope Nuclear Boy is feeling better soon.)

"Blimey! He blew a snot bubble!"

"I want to look like that . . . decapitated head?!"

"Okay people, let's get creative. We need to come up with a magazine ad to sell 'hair-set tape'... you know, the tape women use on their hair to keep it in place. Any ideas?"

"Why don't we cut off a woman's head and put tape on it?"

"Great thought. Get to it, people!"

"Welcome home, Comrade!"

"Well, THAT'S not good."

In 1967, a Russian named Vladimir Komarov dropped in from outer space and crash-landed into Earth. The above photo shows what was left of him afterwards.

Komarov was a Russian astronaut (or “cosmonaut”). And as his spaceship fell, U.S. listeners could hear him "cursing the people who had put him inside a botched spaceship."

The complete story from Robert Krulwich is fascinating and quite sad. Check it out over at NPR.

Photo by RIA Novosti/Photo Researchers Inc.

Bathroom Drama!

I heard something funny last night. It was a Brit talking about toilet paper.

But for his quote to make sense, you need to know two things:

1. Some people think recycled (or "eco") toilet paper is rougher than regular t.p.
2. Brits sometimes call toilet paper rolls by the name "bog rolls."

Okay, here it is:

"I’m as eco-friendly as the next guy, but a recycled bog-roll is like taking a cheese grater to a bullet wound."

"Please . . . have mercy!"

Black Toilet Paper: Reviewed!

Sure, YOU might use white toilet paper, but all the cool people wipe with black!

I'm not cool either, though. So to take a wipe on the wild side, I checked in at Amazon to see what the black t.p. users have to say about their experience. One person pointed out that this is the perfect thing to t.p. a Goth's house with!

(If you can't read these reviews properly, just click them to enlarge.)

Bugs Nuggets!

From here.

Over at the New York Times is a cool article about how some Dutch people are trying to get Europeans to eat bugs like crickets, mealworms, grasshoppers.

What a good idea! Raising crickets is better for the environment AND more humane than raising cattle or pigs.

Of course, people already DO eat bugs . . . but not in Europe or North America. What’s our problem? Are we wussies? Do we have weird hang-ups about what “food” is?

From iFood.tv

Yes and yes!

One solution might be a food like Bugs Nuggets. It’s a combination of “80 percent ground chicken and 20 percent ground mealworms.” 

By combining a little bit of bug with a food that we are all familiar with, maybe we can get the bugs in the back door. (And then later, they’ll be leaving the same way!)

"Mommy, what's inside a unicorn?"

"Oh."





Thanks to Rachel Caldwell at society6 for clearing that up!

Headline Excellence

Sometimes a news story has a headline so perfect, all I can do is sit back in admiration:

I'll bet the writer who came up with "Strip Search Finds Crack Between Buttocks" is laughing himself to sleep every night. (Story here.)

Does Cartoon Dog Poop Stink?

Phil Jones and David Soames came up with this cool T-shirt design over at Threadless T's.

It's a little weird, because none of the dog owners seem to be holding bags... But anyway, see how many of the cartoon characters you can identify!

Dream FULFILLED!

Hi! Do you notice anything unusual about me? No, not my hair, silly. Look at these fingernails! Incredible, eh? I’ve been growing them for 15 years! People sometimes ask me, "Why have you done this thing? Do you need to borrow nail clippers?"

Ha! I do not need your clippers. For ever since I was 15 years younger, I had ONE goal: To get on Ultra-Gross!— and today, my dream is reality!

"Now what?" you ask? I revel in the glory! This is great. Just great...

Okay, maybe I WILL borrow those nail clippers after all.

Photo from the Telegraph.

Gurnin’ Through a Braffin’!

What are these idiots doing? They're not idiots, they're champions! See, in England, there have been “gurning” contests since 1267. These are competitions where people make the ugliest possible faces they can… with the ugliest face being declared the winner!

So up top wearing the horse collar is 2010 World Gurning Champion Tommy Mattinson. And to the side here he poses with a women’s champion, Michaela Strachan.

What's the secret to gurning success? According to the Encyclopedia Britannica blog:

A classic gurn involves jutting your lower jaw as far forward and as high as possible, and then covering your upper lip with your lower lip. It has become traditional for contestants to put their heads through a horse collar (known as “gurnin’ through a braffin’”) – and the person who manages to achieve “the greatest transformation of the face without artificial help” wins the contest and becomes the World Champion. [One winner was once disqualified for putting vinegar in his mouth to help him make a face.]

Gurning champ
Gordon Blacklock

Even the most attractive of people look pretty gruesome when they’re gurning. [But] it’s people with no teeth… who can often produce the greatest gurns—because they can move their lower jaw further up—sometimes even managing to cover their entire nose with their lower lip. In fact one competitor, Peter Jackman, even went so far as to have his teeth removed to make his face more flexible and give him a better chance of winning.

Removing your teeth to win a face-making contest? Now that makes ME gurn!

Photos from the Egremont Crab Fair.

Thanks to No Big Woo for the tip!

Finally: Cow Farts in a Can!

"Sniff the magic!"

Canned food is handy in an emergency. But canned AIR might cause an emergency, especially if it’s the canned farts that this German company is selling.

Called “Country air to go” (or Stall Duft), the idea is that country people like the smell of cow gas. So when these people moved to the city, they get homesick for cow smells. Ta-dah— Just open a can of cow farts and breathe in the magic! 

“Simply put your nose to the tin and peel back the lid for the authentic smell of the country.”

And it’s not just cow smells that people miss. A Stall Duft spokesperson said, “We are planning other smells such as horse, straw, pigs and manure.”

Canned manure smell? Yes! *fist pump*

Metro story here.

Chocolate Raisins are SCUM-tious!

From here.

Who's been wiping boogers on the bathroom walls?

How Whales DON'T Pass Gas!

I just read a funny story that a guy wrote about his co-worker. Here it is, slightly edited:

Barney was a decent but dim
 sort of guy. One afternoon, we were talking about 
whales and he seemed quite suspicious when I
 told him that whales weren’t fish and that they breathed air.


From here.

“Okay then, so how do they breathe underwater?”
 Barney asked.

“You know when they come up to the surface and
 squirt water in the air? Well that’s them 
breathing,” I said.

He looked at me like I was an idiot. “That’s not
 breathing!” he laughed. “That’s them FARTING.
 Their bums are on the top and they come up to
 fart! Didn’t you even know that?”

“Um... I’m
 pretty sure they’re breathing,” I replied, 
slightly stunned by this new information.


“Think about it,” he added slowly, so I’d 
understand, “if they didn’t come to the top
 when they farted, their butts would fill
 up with water and they’d sink.”

Pygmy right whale photo 

by Hadoram Shirihai and Brett Jarrett 

for Whales, Dolphins, and Other Marine Mammals of the World.

The Long Drop (or "Why Kiwis Rule!")

As you have heard, the New Zealand city of Christchurch was recently hit with a major earthquake. The people there responded with their trademark courage and humor.

For example, since they've lost their plumbing, the Kiwis have had to come up with creative toilets.

Enter Show Us Your Long Drop! It's a blog devoted to pictures of new pooping arrangements, like the colorful one above known as Lambert's Lavatory.

Take a visit and admire the resourcefulness of New Zealanders!

Remember SPIDERMAN 2?

This was an ad for it! 

From WebUrbanist.

Gross Joke of the Day

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I have sort of a strange problem. There's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my, er, bottom."

The doctor takes a look.

"Is it serious, Doc?" the man asks.

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you that this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Poop Germs, Hand-washing, and Toepeners!

Like me, you probably go into bathrooms to poop and pee. Like me, you BETTER wash your hands with soap and water.

But then you have to open the door... and unlike US, you just know there are wackos out there who pooped and peed and then just waltzed out, leaving their gross germs on the door handle.

That's why I only use my pinky to open bathroom doors... but now, thanks to this awesome invention called the Toepener, I can just swing the door open with my foot.

Good work, Toepener!

"Hey look, that plant has…EYES?!”

I have a suggestion: Don’t ever get close to any plant called the Baneberry. ("Bane" means a cause of great trouble.) And if the plant's other nickname is “Dolls’ eyes”, the same rule applies.

From here.

But just because this plant (known as Actaea pachypoda) looks like a nightmare, is it really so bad? Hey, maybe those dolls’ eyes are tasty. They could be like yogurt-covered eyeballs!

Let’s see, its Wikipedia page says, “Ingestion of the berries can lead to cardiac arrest and death.”

Never mind.

This is really immature.

What's so gross about this picture of Winnie the Pooh? Nothing!

Unless you really think about it.

No? Okay, how about if I give you the title of the story this comes from.

Pooh Gets Stuck?

See, I TOLD you this was immature!